Robin loves...

...having a huge weight lifted off of her!

Yep, so I talked to Dr. S, and it went really well. She was really supportive and understanding of my situation. She encouraged me to stay, because of how much work I put in so far, but she said that if I find a thesis in an area that fits my interests better, I should feel free to pursue that, because the thesis is for my benefit and nobody else's. Phew. I am so freaking relieved. Thank you, God, for giving me a professor with a heart!! So I told her I was seeing my other options as far as thesis goes, and I'd let her know my decision soon.

Now comes the task of finding out if my new thesis is realistic. Here's the deal. Last year, I volunteered at an elementary school in the area. At this school, over 90% of the kids are on free or reduced lunch. Many of them come from single-parent homes, and many of the kids have learned English as their second language. You could see how these kids are at a disadvantage when it comes to things such as entering the science fair, for instance. How will they buy the supplies? Who can help them with the project if the parent(s) work late, or maybe aren't fluent in English? What if they don't have a computer? Is it a fair chance for them to compete using a hand-written science display board when everyone else's is typed?

So a teacher at this school, Ms. B (such an awesome person!!), decided to start an optional after school program for the 4th and 5th graders where they could come and work on science fair projects. All the materials would be provided for them, and USF students (that's where I came in) were recruited to be the ones working with the kids, helping them conduct the experiments and construct those lovely 3-fold display boards that we all remember. The goal was to allow these kids the chance to enter the science fair... something that no child at this school has ever done. Ever.

Well, so many kids were interested, that there weren't enough volunteers to help them all individually, or even in partners or small groups. So instead of completing projects that could be entered into the county science fair, we just did class experiments with the kids. They all seemed to have a really good time, and so did I, but I remember being disappointed that still, none of them have had the experience of doing a real science fair project.

Ever since I went to Mexico, I have been really moved to do something to correct the vast inequalities present in our school systems. It is so much harder for kids to succeed when they are from lower socioeconomic classes. Just take a look at north Pinellas county versus south county. Look at the differences in school resources. Books. Computers. Parental involvement. Field trips. Class sizes. And it doesn't get any better in high schools... in fact, it gets worse, because now there are unequal numbers of college prep courses offered. There's failing FCAT scores. There's huge dropout rates. And there's this idea some people hold that the kids bring this upon themselves... that they could do better if they really wanted to, but really it's their fault that they are dropping out.

And that is so messed up.

Yes, there are the "wonderkids" who will blossom and succeed no matter what situations they had to overcome. But the majority of kids, after going through the school system with less chances for success and lower expectations placed on them in the first place, will accept the view that they are bad at school, they will never be good at it, education is just not for them... and they drop out. All of this sort of hit me after going to Mexico and learning that poverty is not chosen, and it affects much more than the amount of money you have. It affects your chances for a future, and it traps generations upon generations into the same destructive patterns. Poverty leaves you without choices, and this fact comes out so clearly within our school systems.

On top of this, add the struggles faced by kids who are also learning English for the first time. In Florida City, when I was volunteering with the children of migrant workers in Centro Campesino, I was just overcome with sadness and compassion for the struggles these kids would face on their journey towards (potential) graduation. These kids were in 1st, 2nd grade, and already some of them were SO behind. So lost at school. Some kids have a hard enough time learning to read and write... now imagine trying to learn to read and write in a language that you can barely speak. Even the kids there who knew English face tough obstacles. Migrant farmworkers are just that-- migrant. Many of these kids change schools frequently, sometimes right smack in the middle of a school year. How hard is it to learn if you are bouncing from place to place and can't stay within one school's curriculum for more than a few months at a time? And how hard is it to find help understanding your homework when your parents are exhausted from doing back-breaking labor all day, and maybe can't even speak English? How will you complete the daily assignment from your teacher to "have your parents read to you for 20 minutes?" I'll tell you how. You'll complete it just like Ariana from Florida City completes it-- "Oh, this part? Just skip it."

Just skip reading. That's what you'll do.

...I've gotten way off topic. But you can see that I have a passion for righting the educational inequalities that are so rampant within the Florida school systems. For my thesis, I want to do this science fair project again with Ms. B, with the original goal. Give these kids the chance to say "I got a trophy at the science fair at my school." That kind of thing means SO much to kids-- believe me, I speak from experience.

When I got a trophy at the Gifted Math Meet in 4th grade, all of a sudden, I decided that I "loved math." In fact, I decided that math was my favorite subject... I mean, I got a trophy! I must be pretty dang good at it! So I wasn't intimidated by the "really hard math" in middle school. And I didn't worry about how hard the high school level Algebra I class would be when I took it in 8th grade. Even though it was hard, I stuck it out, because somewhere back at home, I had my little plastic trophy to remind me that I was "good at math." I could do this. By the time I got to AP Calc in 11th grade (a class most kids at my school took as seniors), I had more than my trophy to convince me that I could get a 5 on my AP exam. Yeah, I knew I would have to work hard for that score, but I never doubted I'd get it. Based on my success all throughout school, I knew I could do it. I truly was good at math. And when AP exams came around, I really did get a 5.

See the difference a trophy can make to a little kid? Sometimes, confidence makes all the difference. I mean, I know I was pretty smart to begin with (and I'm sure even THAT has a lot to do with the nurturing environment I was lucky enough to be raised in)... but I didn't give up when things got tricky. That's a result of confidence in yourself, and that's the kind of thing this program can offer to the kids. It gives them that little idea, sometimes for the first time... maybe school isn't so bad. Maybe I actually like science. Maybe I'll be the first one of my siblings to graduate. Maybe I'll even go to college. Maybe I really can be whatever I want to be...

Yeah. I really hope this idea works. What an awesome thesis... something that actually makes a difference...

Summer...

...is basically over.

I mean really, there's nothing left to it... Jim Gaffagan on Sat (yessss!!), my brother moves on campus Monday, and then... time to focus on NSO! (New Student Outreach)

So yeah. Bye summer. It's been nice.

I kind-of wish the year wasn't starting yet... I really don't want to start my thesis... I just get this feeling of dread whenever I think about it. Or about making any sort of decision about my future, really. What the heck am I gonna do with my life?? Ugh. I know what I don't want to do... which is good... but eventually I'm gonna have to make a decision on the affirmative, too :P

I'm also a little nervous about all the NSO stuff with InterVarsity. Our events are getting a lot more exposure this year, which is awesome, but that gives the potential for LOTS of new students. We've already gotten a bunch of incoming freshmen to sign up for Bible studies, too. In the meantime, we're having some problems getting situated in the new Marshall Center... the room they have us in at the moment has a capacity of about 60, I believe. (60?? we have close to 30 leaders alone!! we need room for at LEAST 100, prolly 150!) I know everything will get straightened out, and God will provide what we need in order to carry out his work here on campus. Because really, our events don't matter in the long run. What matters is the way we USE those events as ways to love and connect with new students. I'm just hoping the leaders don't get burned out (the first few weeks are BUSY!), and I hope every single new person feels welcomed.

It's gonna be a lot of work, and I know that personally, I'm gonna have more responsibility to be a true leader this year. I really need to stay connected to God, so he can help me care for the new students, and help me keep my own selfishness in check. Sometimes when I feel like I'm not being treated perfectly "fairly," my emotions take over, and that's really not appropriate for a leader. I need to step it up, for real. Help me out, God!!

Apart from the nervousness, though, I'm really excited. For one, I have a possible alternative to my current thesis that I'm really pumped about... If I'm gonna change it, though, I need to get it all set up soon. Soon as in NOW, lol. Maybe I'll try to talk to Dr. Yavneh about it tomorrow. I'm a little worried about the possibility of quitting on Dr. S, but I know that in the long run, I need to do what is best for my future. Yet at the same time, I don't want to back out of the commitment I made to her that I would stay until the end of next Spring. I have a lot to sort out... (I'm sorry if I'm not making sense, but it makes sense to me...) I just know that I don't want to do research anymore, and I don't want to go to grad school. So, if that's the case, why am I gonna spend ALLLL this time and effort next year (my senior year!) on something that's not gonna make any difference a year from now? I've got a big decision on my hands.

I'm really looking forward to everything with IV too. I mean, besides all the stress of NSO, starting the new year is also a really great experience. We meet so many new people, which is chaotic, but also really cool, because at this time next year, some of these new kids will have been TRANSFORMED by Jesus. And that is what makes it all worth it. I know what happened to me when I didn't find a solid, welcoming Christian community my freshman year, and that's what keeps me going through all the insanity. I know how bad I was hurt, damaged with scars that will never fully disappear, and though God is using it all for good in my life, I won't lie. It was painful, it made me feel so worthless, and it just makes me so WORRIED for all these girls coming to college, because I just want to protect them. Tell them that they are worth so much more than what some guy thinks of them... tell them that they are beautiful, and perfectly created by God! But the great thing is, I also know EXACTLY how it feels to be saved, to be loved, to be healed and to live for God, and I can't wait to share it. I can't wait to see how this year unfolds.

I know God will provide for me in ways I can't imagine. I just wish I knew what to do with myself in the meantime!!

...it's gonna be a crazy, busy, AMAZING year. I know it.

Ugh... the future.

I've been posting some fluff for a while now, but there is some stuff on my mind that I need to sort out. Or attempt to. I would rather just avoid it all, but time continues to pass no matter how much I try to ignore it, and I have to face the fact that if I stay on my current track at USF, I will have a B.S. in Biology less than a year from now. Yikes. (Warning: this may get long.)

I'm feeling more and more certain that research is not the right direction for me to go. It sucks, because I thought I would be really into it, but I guess a lot has changed over the past couple years. Mainly, I've found something even more compelling, interesting, and worthy of my time than the academic world, and it's following Jesus. It feels almost hypocritical of me to say that, because I can't even consistently keep up a daily quiet time with Him, but in my heart I do desire to follow him, and anything less for my life would not be satisfying. I just need to become more disciplined in some areas still.

Some of you know that a while ago I was thinking about nursing. Well, months later, I still am. The topic has come up in some odd ways, and it makes me wonder if it's God trying to point me in that direction, or if I am making something out of nothing. One day I went home, and me and my mom were talking about my future, and I let her know that research is looking less and less attractive. She says to me-- no joke-- "Have you ever thought about nursing?" I was very surprised, because I thought I remembered my mom telling me years ago to NOT be a nurse. Too much paperwork and too few staff makes it really difficult to do your real job-- caring for people. But she told me that she doesn't remember saying that, and nursing is a great job, especially if you want a family. Hmm...

Or how about at Dave and Shannon's wedding, when I was talking to a girl named Naomi (I think), and she asked what my major was. "Biology," I said, "but I'm not quite sure if I'm gonna stick with that right now." She said "Yeah, one of my friends was a Biology major, but she switched to nursing." Hm. I mean, I'm trying not to be superstitious about this or anything, but the fact is, I can't get away from the thought because it keeps popping up. What if. What if.

So what am I struggling with??

Pride.

My pride is a huge problem, because I know I have what it takes to be a doctor. Science comes pretty naturally to me, it even interests me, and if I study properly, I get A's. Period. Some pre-med students struggle with their classes much more than I do, and yet they still push through it and eventually become doctors. For me, yes the classes are challenging, but they also make a lot of sense. So, if I wanted to, I'm sure I could be a doctor.

Now, don't get me wrong here, because like I said, my mom is a nurse, and I definitely have a respect for the profession. But in the real world, doctors are still considered to be "above" nurses. They shouldn't be, I mean, both professions are essential to hospitals and such running smoothly. But the reality is, doctors get their own private dining room in hospitals. They have more pay. More respect. And sometimes, it goes to their head. Some of them will automatically consider themselves smarter than a nurse. More capable. Just "better," overall. It shouldn't be that way, but this is an imperfect world, and it happens a lot.

Would I be able to deal with that? Knowing that I AM smart. I AM capable. I CAN make critical decisions... but still being viewed as "less." Less educated. Less driven. Less independent. Whatever. It happens all the time. Many people assume that if you CAN become a doctor, than you WILL become a doctor, and if you're not an M.D., it's because you didn't make the cut. You had to settle for "less."

Besides that, I still am not sure if I truly am called to nursing. It's a demanding profession, and if it's not a passion of mine, I'm afraid I won't be able to stick with it, and I won't be satisfied. Yes it's a difficult job at times, but my mom does really enjoy caring for people. I just wonder if I would truly enjoy nursing. I think I could. But I'm just not sure...

I read this the other day, and it really made me think:

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
(Philippians 2:5-8)

Jesus WAS God. He wasn't "capable of becoming God..." He WAS God. And yet, he still took a lower place. He still became a lowly human, even though he was capable of such incomprehensible greatness. He made himself nothing, a servant. And therefore, the passage continues, God exalted him to the highest place.

It definitely applies to this situation, I think. Yes, I am capable of being a doctor (though I don't want to go to medical school). I have that ability. But that in itself is not enough reason to keep me from making myself "lower" (at least in the eyes of the world) and choosing a more humbling path. Less notoriety, more quiet service. Of course, just because it applies doesn't mean that I now have to be a nurse... but it is something to remember.

My pride is distracting me from discerning whether or not I am actually called to nursing, and I guess that's just something me and God will have to keep working on.

In the back of my mind, though, I have this image... of me and my mom, years down the line, on a medical mission trip together, as nurses. We've traveled to a country very different from our own. I have an image of her seeing, with her own eyes, how ordinary people can bring the love of God. I picture my mom actually seeing the one true God at work transforming the lives around her, and maybe even her own. I picture her seeing that following Jesus is so much more than singing songs on Sundays and giving away 10% of your money. God is REAL. God is LOVE. Only HE can heal this broken world.

That image won't die... it grows, and becomes more clearer and more exciting every time I think about it. Through God, all things are possible. Jesus, I just want to follow you. Show me the way.