Here it comes...

...the incessant laziness that I can't ever seem to get away from. I don't want to do anything producticve. Study... homework... work... nothing.

And I certainly don't want to think about my future.

But here are the options I've been presented with lately. Length of time left means AFTER completion of this year, how much more school is left.

• Nursing school-- USF Tampa-- 3 more years
• Prosthetics/Orthotics-- SPC-- 2 more years.
• Pharmacy-- SPC (hopefully, since technically it's thru UF and I could end up in one of 3 places by chance)-- 2 years.
• Physician's Assistant-- Somewhere in Ft. Lauderdale (I think)-- 2 years?? (still need to look into this more)
• Mississippi Teaching Corps-- U of Mississippi-- 2 years (but get a Master's and AWESOME experiential training... for free!!)

So that's where I stand right now, since everyone seems to be SO dang curious. "Robin, what are you doing next year?? You really need to figure that out..." I KNOW, I know... Sheesh.

Everything has its plusses and minuses. MTC seems AMAZING, but it's in Mississippi (I don't really want to leave), and it's SUPER competitive. 25 are accepted each year, but about 600 people usually apply. That's less than 5%. Nursing still seems cool, but changing majors this late, I'd spend just about as much time becoming an RN as it would take to go through med school. Those are my top 2 right now. The others are pretty much fillers just to keep myself with more options, at the moment.

...So. now you know as much as I do. Which isn't much.

I wish I was more motivated...

Ugh... the future.

I've been posting some fluff for a while now, but there is some stuff on my mind that I need to sort out. Or attempt to. I would rather just avoid it all, but time continues to pass no matter how much I try to ignore it, and I have to face the fact that if I stay on my current track at USF, I will have a B.S. in Biology less than a year from now. Yikes. (Warning: this may get long.)

I'm feeling more and more certain that research is not the right direction for me to go. It sucks, because I thought I would be really into it, but I guess a lot has changed over the past couple years. Mainly, I've found something even more compelling, interesting, and worthy of my time than the academic world, and it's following Jesus. It feels almost hypocritical of me to say that, because I can't even consistently keep up a daily quiet time with Him, but in my heart I do desire to follow him, and anything less for my life would not be satisfying. I just need to become more disciplined in some areas still.

Some of you know that a while ago I was thinking about nursing. Well, months later, I still am. The topic has come up in some odd ways, and it makes me wonder if it's God trying to point me in that direction, or if I am making something out of nothing. One day I went home, and me and my mom were talking about my future, and I let her know that research is looking less and less attractive. She says to me-- no joke-- "Have you ever thought about nursing?" I was very surprised, because I thought I remembered my mom telling me years ago to NOT be a nurse. Too much paperwork and too few staff makes it really difficult to do your real job-- caring for people. But she told me that she doesn't remember saying that, and nursing is a great job, especially if you want a family. Hmm...

Or how about at Dave and Shannon's wedding, when I was talking to a girl named Naomi (I think), and she asked what my major was. "Biology," I said, "but I'm not quite sure if I'm gonna stick with that right now." She said "Yeah, one of my friends was a Biology major, but she switched to nursing." Hm. I mean, I'm trying not to be superstitious about this or anything, but the fact is, I can't get away from the thought because it keeps popping up. What if. What if.

So what am I struggling with??

Pride.

My pride is a huge problem, because I know I have what it takes to be a doctor. Science comes pretty naturally to me, it even interests me, and if I study properly, I get A's. Period. Some pre-med students struggle with their classes much more than I do, and yet they still push through it and eventually become doctors. For me, yes the classes are challenging, but they also make a lot of sense. So, if I wanted to, I'm sure I could be a doctor.

Now, don't get me wrong here, because like I said, my mom is a nurse, and I definitely have a respect for the profession. But in the real world, doctors are still considered to be "above" nurses. They shouldn't be, I mean, both professions are essential to hospitals and such running smoothly. But the reality is, doctors get their own private dining room in hospitals. They have more pay. More respect. And sometimes, it goes to their head. Some of them will automatically consider themselves smarter than a nurse. More capable. Just "better," overall. It shouldn't be that way, but this is an imperfect world, and it happens a lot.

Would I be able to deal with that? Knowing that I AM smart. I AM capable. I CAN make critical decisions... but still being viewed as "less." Less educated. Less driven. Less independent. Whatever. It happens all the time. Many people assume that if you CAN become a doctor, than you WILL become a doctor, and if you're not an M.D., it's because you didn't make the cut. You had to settle for "less."

Besides that, I still am not sure if I truly am called to nursing. It's a demanding profession, and if it's not a passion of mine, I'm afraid I won't be able to stick with it, and I won't be satisfied. Yes it's a difficult job at times, but my mom does really enjoy caring for people. I just wonder if I would truly enjoy nursing. I think I could. But I'm just not sure...

I read this the other day, and it really made me think:

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
(Philippians 2:5-8)

Jesus WAS God. He wasn't "capable of becoming God..." He WAS God. And yet, he still took a lower place. He still became a lowly human, even though he was capable of such incomprehensible greatness. He made himself nothing, a servant. And therefore, the passage continues, God exalted him to the highest place.

It definitely applies to this situation, I think. Yes, I am capable of being a doctor (though I don't want to go to medical school). I have that ability. But that in itself is not enough reason to keep me from making myself "lower" (at least in the eyes of the world) and choosing a more humbling path. Less notoriety, more quiet service. Of course, just because it applies doesn't mean that I now have to be a nurse... but it is something to remember.

My pride is distracting me from discerning whether or not I am actually called to nursing, and I guess that's just something me and God will have to keep working on.

In the back of my mind, though, I have this image... of me and my mom, years down the line, on a medical mission trip together, as nurses. We've traveled to a country very different from our own. I have an image of her seeing, with her own eyes, how ordinary people can bring the love of God. I picture my mom actually seeing the one true God at work transforming the lives around her, and maybe even her own. I picture her seeing that following Jesus is so much more than singing songs on Sundays and giving away 10% of your money. God is REAL. God is LOVE. Only HE can heal this broken world.

That image won't die... it grows, and becomes more clearer and more exciting every time I think about it. Through God, all things are possible. Jesus, I just want to follow you. Show me the way.

I suck.

I've come to the realization that generally, I suck.

I truly cannot get anything done. I have this effing lab report due in 32 hours... and yeah, it's started, but I've suddenly lost my motivation. Haven't done much on it today at all. It's just so TEDIOUS... so dull...

Which leaves me to wonder why I'm in my major.

I don't really enjoy working in the lab, either... I mean, it's not terrible, and the grad students are fun to hang out with. BUT can I picture myself doing this... forever?? I get a feeling of dread in my stomach just thinking about doing this for the next 5 years (or whatever) in grad school. Conducting research is just such a time commitment if you want to do it right, you know? And if you don't want to take the time to do it right, then why do it at all?

So, this brings up a question-- is research the right choice for me?

Lately, the things that make me still want to be a professor (what I've been planning on for a few years, now) have changed... and they are all things that don't really have to do with being a professor, but more with the perks of professor life. Such as:

Freedom to travel
-I'd love to be able to visit Mexico and other places for missions, and maybe even bring students
Freedom to take time off
-ok, kind of the same thing (travel), but also so that I'm able to raise a family, something I really want
Extra money
-to fund traveling... and also to maybe start some sort of mentoring program for underprivileged kids. Maybe something to do with science... to sort of give them a fun way to learn about something they may not have been exposed to, and also offering resources and a connection to the University system. I dunno, just an idea I had one day...
Support for Christian campus groups
-every campus group needs a faculty advisor. Having a Jesus-following professor willing to serve that role is just one less thing for campus ministries to worry about, leaving them time to do what they do best-- care for students.

So, all these perks are pretty cool. BUT in the midst of doing all those awesome things that the professor life would allow me to do, I'd have to be teaching (not terrible, though not my #1 passion) and producing significant research for the University (uh.... yikes). Also, with the recent budget cuts in Florida schools, theres a hiring freeze on at any school I'd be interested in... would that still apply in a few years? How easy is it to get a job, anyway? (I sure as heck don't wanna leave FL, you know...)

Blah. So a few other options have popped into my head recently--

Photography (fun, but let's be honest, probably not realistic)
Nursing (...)

...did she say NURSING? The girl whose mother told her since she was a little girl "be anything you want, but don't be a nurse"?? The girl who was so afraid of having to touch patients, she decided against medical school? Yeah. Weird idea. Just came up all of a sudden... still trying to discern whether that was God speaking, or just my wandering mind.

I really should pray about all this a little more. BUT my suckiness doesn't end with academics... I also don't read my Bible much, and I sure don't pray enough. Kind of makes it hard to hear God speaking if I can't even identify his voice, wouldn't ya say?

I don't know what my problem is. The funny thing is, God answers my prayers. Clearly. Over spring break, when I was on my trip with Volunteer USF, I was SO in touch with God. I prayed all the time, and I was super conscious about loving the other people in my group and asking God for opportunities to minister to them... and he provided! He really did! So, why on earth is it such a hassle for me to get myself to pray?? It's like, I get really fired up for God sometimes, like all I want to do is be with him and talk to him. And then sometimes (more often, sadly), I think "you know, I should really spend some time with God..." and I shrug and go back to watching some stupid YouTube videos or something.

I am suffering from a serious case of apathy... and I feel too apathetic to really do anything about it.