I suck.

I've come to the realization that generally, I suck.

I truly cannot get anything done. I have this effing lab report due in 32 hours... and yeah, it's started, but I've suddenly lost my motivation. Haven't done much on it today at all. It's just so TEDIOUS... so dull...

Which leaves me to wonder why I'm in my major.

I don't really enjoy working in the lab, either... I mean, it's not terrible, and the grad students are fun to hang out with. BUT can I picture myself doing this... forever?? I get a feeling of dread in my stomach just thinking about doing this for the next 5 years (or whatever) in grad school. Conducting research is just such a time commitment if you want to do it right, you know? And if you don't want to take the time to do it right, then why do it at all?

So, this brings up a question-- is research the right choice for me?

Lately, the things that make me still want to be a professor (what I've been planning on for a few years, now) have changed... and they are all things that don't really have to do with being a professor, but more with the perks of professor life. Such as:

Freedom to travel
-I'd love to be able to visit Mexico and other places for missions, and maybe even bring students
Freedom to take time off
-ok, kind of the same thing (travel), but also so that I'm able to raise a family, something I really want
Extra money
-to fund traveling... and also to maybe start some sort of mentoring program for underprivileged kids. Maybe something to do with science... to sort of give them a fun way to learn about something they may not have been exposed to, and also offering resources and a connection to the University system. I dunno, just an idea I had one day...
Support for Christian campus groups
-every campus group needs a faculty advisor. Having a Jesus-following professor willing to serve that role is just one less thing for campus ministries to worry about, leaving them time to do what they do best-- care for students.

So, all these perks are pretty cool. BUT in the midst of doing all those awesome things that the professor life would allow me to do, I'd have to be teaching (not terrible, though not my #1 passion) and producing significant research for the University (uh.... yikes). Also, with the recent budget cuts in Florida schools, theres a hiring freeze on at any school I'd be interested in... would that still apply in a few years? How easy is it to get a job, anyway? (I sure as heck don't wanna leave FL, you know...)

Blah. So a few other options have popped into my head recently--

Photography (fun, but let's be honest, probably not realistic)
Nursing (...)

...did she say NURSING? The girl whose mother told her since she was a little girl "be anything you want, but don't be a nurse"?? The girl who was so afraid of having to touch patients, she decided against medical school? Yeah. Weird idea. Just came up all of a sudden... still trying to discern whether that was God speaking, or just my wandering mind.

I really should pray about all this a little more. BUT my suckiness doesn't end with academics... I also don't read my Bible much, and I sure don't pray enough. Kind of makes it hard to hear God speaking if I can't even identify his voice, wouldn't ya say?

I don't know what my problem is. The funny thing is, God answers my prayers. Clearly. Over spring break, when I was on my trip with Volunteer USF, I was SO in touch with God. I prayed all the time, and I was super conscious about loving the other people in my group and asking God for opportunities to minister to them... and he provided! He really did! So, why on earth is it such a hassle for me to get myself to pray?? It's like, I get really fired up for God sometimes, like all I want to do is be with him and talk to him. And then sometimes (more often, sadly), I think "you know, I should really spend some time with God..." and I shrug and go back to watching some stupid YouTube videos or something.

I am suffering from a serious case of apathy... and I feel too apathetic to really do anything about it.