dur

Why am I not studying right now??

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

*shuts computer*

Finals and such...

Public Health and Pathogenic Microbiology: (Tuesday, 1 pm)
I need an 89.5% on the final to get an A- in the class. (His tests are a total of 67 points, so a 60/67.)
A 95.5% would give me an A... IF he rounds. (64/67.... HAHAHA, riiiight.)
But this is a graduate level course (5000 level), so an A- will be fine. LOL.

Cell Biology: (Wednesday, 3:30 pm)
This one is kind of confusing. I'm actually calculating a different grade in the class than what I have listed, but there have been a couple little quizzes here and there since the T.A. last posted.

According to my math though, a 95% on the final (76/80) will get me an A... But that's IF he rounds, and I'm guessing on how much credit I'll get for that late quiz.
However, I believe just a 77.5% (62/80) will give me an A-. Not too shabby!

I should email him about that quiz, just to be sure.

Spanish I: (Also Tuesday, 8 am... ew)
Oh yes. Finally, a break.
According to my calculations, I need a 65% on the final to keep my A. Yeah. That's not a typo.
(So a straight-up D will give me an A... SWEET!!)

Looks like 2/3 of these tests are gonna be beasts (especially the first one I mentioned... SOOOO much material to learn!!), but I think I'm up for the challenge. Bring it on!!

Back to my regularly scheduled studying... Oh Chapter Camp, how I long for thee!! Haha.

My prof's reply...

Come by and take a paper version.

-BTL




.....yess!!! oh happy day!

The home stretch...

So in the collegiate world, everyone is beginning to go a little nuts because finals are next week. We're all getting antsy for the semester to end, but also realizing that we really need to buckle down and study this week. A rather unpleasant combo, if you ask me.

I'm no exception. I have just calculated my Cell Bio grade thus far... 89%. Blah. I hate borderline grades. It would take a 113% on the final to get an A in the class... soooooo since there's no extra credit on our exams, I guess I have officially kissed an A goodbye. BUT a 95% will get me an A-. So that's what I'm aiming for. Can you say STRESS!!

Knowing this, I walked into class today at 2 pm and suddenly realized that there was an online quiz due today at noon. Dang, I forgot to do it. That was pretty upsetting. I emailed my professor asking him if I can do it late for less points (anything is better than a zero at this point) but I'm not expecting him to oblige. (He's a nice guy and all, but that's just not how professors roll usually...) It sucks because the Cell Bio lab final was today, and because I was focusing on that, that's why I forgot about the other quiz. Whatever. Excuses. Bottom line is, I may have just erased even an A- out of my future.

So as I said, I was pretty upset. But then the weirdest thing cheered me up... during the lecture, we watched a 2-minute video showing the development of a zebrafish embryo from egg to a few days later. It was freaking awesome to see the head, tail, eyes, vertebrae all of a sudden emerge out of this blobby mess of cells. It reminded me how amazing biology truly is, how perfectly God has created the processes that form us and other creatures of the earth. It made me feel better, seeing so clearly that there is so much more than grades.

I've always had a problem balancing doing a good job in school with making my grades an idol. I've always been a perfectionist, and the slightest slip-up with my grades can truly wreck my day, or even my week. I can't even tell you how many times Jeremy has reminded me that grades are not my lord, Jesus is. It is so true, and I forget it so quickly. I just get so obsessed with getting an A, raising my GPA, achieve achieve achieve, not simply to do well, but to be the BEST. Be PERFECT. It's stressful, and it really does become a form of idolatry. But I was very happy that today, I was able to escape the mindset of beating myself up about not being able to get an A this time. It's okay. I'll still graduate.

I feel a lot better now, and I actually feel rejuvenated and ready to start studying for finals... but not before I spend some time with God to get my attitude straight, and to be reminded of what truly matters. I do NOT serve grades, I do NOT serve academics, or the university system of competing and being better than everyone else. I serve God.

That's all.

No yo quiero estudiar...

Cell Bio lab final tomorrow... bleh. I havent started studying, and I really don't want to...

On a brighter note, the SSJ "Prom" was tonight... so much fun!! Highlights of the night included posing and taking pictures in front of the "Class of 1976" banner, being amused by Robbie's cow costume and Mike's superhero with underwear on the outside, and dancing like a swan to "Time After Time." Haha. We were being so ridiculous. Almost half the people there are friends from InterVarsity, and they just happen to also be involved with Students for Social Justice, so I actually knew a good number of people there, making it even easier to be goofy and have fun.

My InterVarsity buddies are the best! So funny, and so awesome. I'm glad we got to hang out tonight. <3

P.S.

Please God, if there is ANY way I could return to Mexico City this summer... just for a week...
it would be amazing.

Obstacles that need to be overcome:
-Space open at Armonia
-Timing it so that it doesn't interfere with classes, research, or my two jobs
-Finding someone to go with me
-Money
-Last but CERTAINLY not least, the 'rents!

If God wants me there, I know those obstacles will be overcome...

I just pray he DOES want me there, because let's face it, I want me there! Haha.

We shall see...

Fluff Post

I feel like I should write at least SOMETHING today...

hm.

I'm pretty excited about Saturday :) InterVarsity is having their banquet for graduating seniors, and I'm gonna go since Ryan is a senior. Each senior can bring 2 guests for free, and any extras have to pay $31 (because it's all catered and stuff). Ryan is bringing his parents, so I was gonna have to cough up some dough... but tonight before Common Ground, Melyssa asked me if I wanted to be one of the "greeters." All I have to do is show up an hour early in a white polo and khakis, and I eat free. Psh... heck yes I'll be a greeter!! Free food, AND I get to meet everyone! Sweet.

Though I don't have the shirt OR pants I need... so I'm gonna hit up the Salvation Army tomorrow. The one on Nebraska between Bearss and Fletcher is friggin' HUGE! I enjoy thrift stores. That one will always hold a special place in my heart because it's where we got our AMAZING couch and loveseat! Haha.

I'm just rambling about nothing, really...

Chapter Camp is in just a little over 2 weeks. I'm SOOO ready.

Life is good. Time for sleep.

What's up, God?

(I wrote this down in my notebook between classes today, and thought it may be blogworthy... excuse the Spanish, I'm sure the grammar is terrible. I was actually on my way to Spanish class, haha)

I wish I had my Bible with me... all I want right now is to be with you, Lord. Thank you for being my comfort. Thank you for reaching out for me, even when I feel too far from you to reach for you as well. You even answer the most minuscule of prayers.

Just a few passing words, a silent cry of desperation... and you rescued me once again. You are my strength and you are my light. You get me moving when I can't do it myself... y cantaré de Tu amor por siempre!

Gracias por todas las personas en mi vida. Todos les quiero. Me ayudan cuando no yo puedo ayudarme. Espiritu do Dios, tocáste mi vida, y te quiero por siempre!

Robin loves Rivers.

As I began page 16 of the massive lab report I have due in 9 and a half hours, I looked down at my keyboard, and thought. I thought of all the huge assignments and papers I've typed on this keyboard over the years. I also thought of all the conversations I've had on AIM through this computer, and all the different places my life has been in. I thought of all we've been through together, and I felt a deep sense of affection for Rivers, my trusty computer.

Is it weird to consider an inanimate object "loyal"?

Eh. I've thought weirder things, I suppose.

...I need to hurry up and finish this lab report... I'm almost done with it though, and me and Theresa are gonna watch Juno when I finish! She's never seen it, and I can't wait to see it again. I'm usually not one to buy movies the day they come out on DVD... in fact, I don't think I've ever done that before... but Juno is exceptional. And it came with a copy of the script, which is pretty sweet! :)

I suck.

I've come to the realization that generally, I suck.

I truly cannot get anything done. I have this effing lab report due in 32 hours... and yeah, it's started, but I've suddenly lost my motivation. Haven't done much on it today at all. It's just so TEDIOUS... so dull...

Which leaves me to wonder why I'm in my major.

I don't really enjoy working in the lab, either... I mean, it's not terrible, and the grad students are fun to hang out with. BUT can I picture myself doing this... forever?? I get a feeling of dread in my stomach just thinking about doing this for the next 5 years (or whatever) in grad school. Conducting research is just such a time commitment if you want to do it right, you know? And if you don't want to take the time to do it right, then why do it at all?

So, this brings up a question-- is research the right choice for me?

Lately, the things that make me still want to be a professor (what I've been planning on for a few years, now) have changed... and they are all things that don't really have to do with being a professor, but more with the perks of professor life. Such as:

Freedom to travel
-I'd love to be able to visit Mexico and other places for missions, and maybe even bring students
Freedom to take time off
-ok, kind of the same thing (travel), but also so that I'm able to raise a family, something I really want
Extra money
-to fund traveling... and also to maybe start some sort of mentoring program for underprivileged kids. Maybe something to do with science... to sort of give them a fun way to learn about something they may not have been exposed to, and also offering resources and a connection to the University system. I dunno, just an idea I had one day...
Support for Christian campus groups
-every campus group needs a faculty advisor. Having a Jesus-following professor willing to serve that role is just one less thing for campus ministries to worry about, leaving them time to do what they do best-- care for students.

So, all these perks are pretty cool. BUT in the midst of doing all those awesome things that the professor life would allow me to do, I'd have to be teaching (not terrible, though not my #1 passion) and producing significant research for the University (uh.... yikes). Also, with the recent budget cuts in Florida schools, theres a hiring freeze on at any school I'd be interested in... would that still apply in a few years? How easy is it to get a job, anyway? (I sure as heck don't wanna leave FL, you know...)

Blah. So a few other options have popped into my head recently--

Photography (fun, but let's be honest, probably not realistic)
Nursing (...)

...did she say NURSING? The girl whose mother told her since she was a little girl "be anything you want, but don't be a nurse"?? The girl who was so afraid of having to touch patients, she decided against medical school? Yeah. Weird idea. Just came up all of a sudden... still trying to discern whether that was God speaking, or just my wandering mind.

I really should pray about all this a little more. BUT my suckiness doesn't end with academics... I also don't read my Bible much, and I sure don't pray enough. Kind of makes it hard to hear God speaking if I can't even identify his voice, wouldn't ya say?

I don't know what my problem is. The funny thing is, God answers my prayers. Clearly. Over spring break, when I was on my trip with Volunteer USF, I was SO in touch with God. I prayed all the time, and I was super conscious about loving the other people in my group and asking God for opportunities to minister to them... and he provided! He really did! So, why on earth is it such a hassle for me to get myself to pray?? It's like, I get really fired up for God sometimes, like all I want to do is be with him and talk to him. And then sometimes (more often, sadly), I think "you know, I should really spend some time with God..." and I shrug and go back to watching some stupid YouTube videos or something.

I am suffering from a serious case of apathy... and I feel too apathetic to really do anything about it.

So...

First LiveJournal, then Xanga, and now this.

Just another attempt to get my life and thoughts written out...

For my benefit, or perhaps even yours.