and then, in an instant, the panic is gone...
...and I'm back where I need to be.
There are some things I'll never understand.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Pause.
Sometimes, I just want to RUN.
Disappear for a little while. Not forever. Just a little while...
Because 90% of the time, I feel like I know what I want out of my life (generally), and I'm moving slowly but surely towards my goals.
...but there is this other 10% of the time when I feel trapped. Like I got on a ride that I wasn't prepared for, and it just keeps going and going, and I just want to get off... but I can't get off without hurting myself or breaking the ride. So I just hold on...
Like right now. Right now I want to RUN. I want to BE, with no consequences. I want a vacation from my life... but I want my life to be waiting here, safe and sound and just as I left it when I return to it. And there stands the problem.
"Be still my heart, thou hast known worse than this..."
Disappear for a little while. Not forever. Just a little while...
Because 90% of the time, I feel like I know what I want out of my life (generally), and I'm moving slowly but surely towards my goals.
...but there is this other 10% of the time when I feel trapped. Like I got on a ride that I wasn't prepared for, and it just keeps going and going, and I just want to get off... but I can't get off without hurting myself or breaking the ride. So I just hold on...
Like right now. Right now I want to RUN. I want to BE, with no consequences. I want a vacation from my life... but I want my life to be waiting here, safe and sound and just as I left it when I return to it. And there stands the problem.
"Be still my heart, thou hast known worse than this..."
Saturday, June 28, 2008
A moment of clarity
Sometimes, we are able to catch a glimpse of what could be.
There are moments in which the choices before us show two clear, distinct paths... and we must make a decision.
These are the moments that scare me, because
I see the power I am capable of exerting
I see the mistakes I am capable of making
I see the pain I am capable of causing
I see that even someone with a loving, generous heart can easily be swept away from it all, just for a moment... but where does that moment lead?
Sometimes I put myself in bad situations. This one could have turned out awful. Luckily, everything is okay. All I can say to YOU is I'm sorry. I know... I know better. I'm sorry.
I just need to learn to keep my guard up, sometimes...
There are moments in which the choices before us show two clear, distinct paths... and we must make a decision.
These are the moments that scare me, because
I see the power I am capable of exerting
I see the mistakes I am capable of making
I see the pain I am capable of causing
I see that even someone with a loving, generous heart can easily be swept away from it all, just for a moment... but where does that moment lead?
Sometimes I put myself in bad situations. This one could have turned out awful. Luckily, everything is okay. All I can say to YOU is I'm sorry. I know... I know better. I'm sorry.
I just need to learn to keep my guard up, sometimes...
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
My Church!
...is in the St. Pete Times! That's kind of odd... considering we're the "Underground" and all... but the article is really more about the lifestyle and beliefs of Brian, the guy who started the Underground. Awkward, because I know Brian really doesn't want public attention, since that risks an inflated ego developing, resulting in him relying more on his abilities and charisma than on Jesus. Honestly, he's said that before.
Precautions aside, though, it was cool to read about people I know-- for instance, they quoted Jeremy, one of the InterVarsity staff members at USF. I know Natalya and her garden as well. The slideshow was a nice touch too; Brian's kids are adorable. The writer's style made it all come off as sounding a little more extreme than it really is, I think, but whatever. That's what journalists do, sensationalize things.
Anyway. Wanna meet my community?? :)
Article:
http://www.tampabay.com/features/humaninterest/article635737.ece
Slideshow:
http://www.tampabay.com/specials/2008/audio_slideshows/underground/
Precautions aside, though, it was cool to read about people I know-- for instance, they quoted Jeremy, one of the InterVarsity staff members at USF. I know Natalya and her garden as well. The slideshow was a nice touch too; Brian's kids are adorable. The writer's style made it all come off as sounding a little more extreme than it really is, I think, but whatever. That's what journalists do, sensationalize things.
Anyway. Wanna meet my community?? :)
Article:
http://www.tampabay.com/features/humaninterest/article635737.ece
Slideshow:
http://www.tampabay.com/specials/2008/audio_slideshows/underground/
Sunday, June 22, 2008
stand up!!
( This is the same band that does "Handlebars"-- the Flobots. I got this CD for my birthday, and it is FANTASTIC.)
We still don't understand thunder and lightning
Flash back to when we didn't fund the dam
Didn't fund the dam levee? No wonder man,
Now our whole damn city's torn asunder man
Under water but we still don't understand
We see hurricane spills overrun the land
Through gaps you couldn't fill with a 100 tons of sand
No we still don't understand
We've seen planes in the windows of buildings crumbled in
We've seen flames send the chills through London
And we've sent planes to kill them
And some of them were children
But still we crumbling the building
Underfunded but we still don't understand
Under God but we kill like the son of Sam
But if you feel like I feel like about the son of man
We will overcome...
So stand up.
-Flobots, "Stand Up!"
We still don't understand thunder and lightning
Flash back to when we didn't fund the dam
Didn't fund the dam levee? No wonder man,
Now our whole damn city's torn asunder man
Under water but we still don't understand
We see hurricane spills overrun the land
Through gaps you couldn't fill with a 100 tons of sand
No we still don't understand
We've seen planes in the windows of buildings crumbled in
We've seen flames send the chills through London
And we've sent planes to kill them
And some of them were children
But still we crumbling the building
Underfunded but we still don't understand
Under God but we kill like the son of Sam
But if you feel like I feel like about the son of man
We will overcome...
So stand up.
-Flobots, "Stand Up!"
Thursday, June 19, 2008
yay :)
My brother is here! He came up for his freshman orientation a day early so that he doesn't have to drive from Seminole to USF at like 6:30 in the morning. I just love having him around.
So that means my parents are getting a taste of what it will be like with the both of us in college, since he'll be in Tampa for about 3 days. I have no idea what they'll even do with themselves with us hardly ever home, once fall starts. :/
We'll just have to make sure to visit them often enough. It will be nice having someone to share rides home with!! :)
So that means my parents are getting a taste of what it will be like with the both of us in college, since he'll be in Tampa for about 3 days. I have no idea what they'll even do with themselves with us hardly ever home, once fall starts. :/
We'll just have to make sure to visit them often enough. It will be nice having someone to share rides home with!! :)
Monday, June 16, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
Darkness
Ugh. What a feeling. Me, Theresa, Stef, and Ryan (Smith, not Ramsey) saw Kung Fu Panda. It was a really cute movie, especially if you're a fan of Jack Black (like me). It was a good time. We stopped at CVS beforehand to stock up on some $1 candy. Like a dummy, I got Snowcaps. I should have picked something a little less terrible for you-- something like Starburst. You have to work hard to eat the dumb stuff, and there's hardly any calories. But no, I had to go for the chocolate chips dipped in sprinkles, and of course I ate the entire box because I have no restraint whatsoever, and now I feel disgusting. Such is life, I guess.
That's not the feeling I'm talking about though. I'm talking about something a little deeper. I feel bad writing about this because it's so dark, but honestly, that's how I feel right now. I feel full of darkness. Does that make sense? This cold, dark sadness that feels like it's gnawing away at the inside of my chest. I can't escape it right now. It's something I've struggled with as long as I can remember, and it's especially pronounced at the moment.
Birthdays tend to have a funny effect on me, and I think that's what I can attribute it to. At least for right now. Birthdays bring out some of the best things in life, like family, friends, love, and celebration. But they also bring out the worst. Namely, they remind me that my time here is limited. Like it or not, I've been here for almost 21 years, and it freaks me out when I think what portion of my life that may be. I'll go right ahead and say it. I'm terrified of death. I know I shouldn't be. I have faith in God, I am saved through His son. But sometimes, that faith just gets swallowed up by this inescapable darkness... not to say my faith is gone... but it gets smothered sometimes. And at those times, I feel so lost and so alone.
My birthday. Every year I go though this. I mean, life is all I've ever known, and what comes next is so mysterious that it just seems like this terrifying black hole. I wish I were somehow exempt. I remember when I was a little kid, I read about Enoch in my little Genesis storybook. I was intrigued, and I wanted to be just like him. I wanted to walk with God so closely that he would pluck me up and take me away with him before I had a chance to die. Strange thoughts for a 4-year-old, perhaps, but I remember it clearly. I also remember completely misunderstanding the story of Adam and Eve, and being mad at my parents for feeding me apples, because that meant that someday I would die. (In my preschool mind, a person who never ate an apple would never die.) I guess I was a strange child. But it's all true. This acute sense of my own mortality has been with me forever. The older I get, though, the more it turns into fear.
I feel bad writing something so dark. But even the psalms were sometimes lonely and desperate. It's an honest human emotion, and as much as I would like to escape it, right now, I feel as though I am slowly being swallowed up. I should probably go to bed. The only good thing about this feeling is that it only comes at night, and 99.9% of the time, the morning alone is enough to send it far away. That's not to say that tomorrow night won't send it rushing back... but there's at least some hope.
That's not the feeling I'm talking about though. I'm talking about something a little deeper. I feel bad writing about this because it's so dark, but honestly, that's how I feel right now. I feel full of darkness. Does that make sense? This cold, dark sadness that feels like it's gnawing away at the inside of my chest. I can't escape it right now. It's something I've struggled with as long as I can remember, and it's especially pronounced at the moment.
Birthdays tend to have a funny effect on me, and I think that's what I can attribute it to. At least for right now. Birthdays bring out some of the best things in life, like family, friends, love, and celebration. But they also bring out the worst. Namely, they remind me that my time here is limited. Like it or not, I've been here for almost 21 years, and it freaks me out when I think what portion of my life that may be. I'll go right ahead and say it. I'm terrified of death. I know I shouldn't be. I have faith in God, I am saved through His son. But sometimes, that faith just gets swallowed up by this inescapable darkness... not to say my faith is gone... but it gets smothered sometimes. And at those times, I feel so lost and so alone.
My birthday. Every year I go though this. I mean, life is all I've ever known, and what comes next is so mysterious that it just seems like this terrifying black hole. I wish I were somehow exempt. I remember when I was a little kid, I read about Enoch in my little Genesis storybook. I was intrigued, and I wanted to be just like him. I wanted to walk with God so closely that he would pluck me up and take me away with him before I had a chance to die. Strange thoughts for a 4-year-old, perhaps, but I remember it clearly. I also remember completely misunderstanding the story of Adam and Eve, and being mad at my parents for feeding me apples, because that meant that someday I would die. (In my preschool mind, a person who never ate an apple would never die.) I guess I was a strange child. But it's all true. This acute sense of my own mortality has been with me forever. The older I get, though, the more it turns into fear.
I feel bad writing something so dark. But even the psalms were sometimes lonely and desperate. It's an honest human emotion, and as much as I would like to escape it, right now, I feel as though I am slowly being swallowed up. I should probably go to bed. The only good thing about this feeling is that it only comes at night, and 99.9% of the time, the morning alone is enough to send it far away. That's not to say that tomorrow night won't send it rushing back... but there's at least some hope.
Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;
O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.
If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
(Psalm 130:1-5)
I feel so distant from you, God... I just want to be near you. My head knows you will never leave me...
...but please, comfort my heart.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Ugh... the future.
I've been posting some fluff for a while now, but there is some stuff on my mind that I need to sort out. Or attempt to. I would rather just avoid it all, but time continues to pass no matter how much I try to ignore it, and I have to face the fact that if I stay on my current track at USF, I will have a B.S. in Biology less than a year from now. Yikes. (Warning: this may get long.)
I'm feeling more and more certain that research is not the right direction for me to go. It sucks, because I thought I would be really into it, but I guess a lot has changed over the past couple years. Mainly, I've found something even more compelling, interesting, and worthy of my time than the academic world, and it's following Jesus. It feels almost hypocritical of me to say that, because I can't even consistently keep up a daily quiet time with Him, but in my heart I do desire to follow him, and anything less for my life would not be satisfying. I just need to become more disciplined in some areas still.
Some of you know that a while ago I was thinking about nursing. Well, months later, I still am. The topic has come up in some odd ways, and it makes me wonder if it's God trying to point me in that direction, or if I am making something out of nothing. One day I went home, and me and my mom were talking about my future, and I let her know that research is looking less and less attractive. She says to me-- no joke-- "Have you ever thought about nursing?" I was very surprised, because I thought I remembered my mom telling me years ago to NOT be a nurse. Too much paperwork and too few staff makes it really difficult to do your real job-- caring for people. But she told me that she doesn't remember saying that, and nursing is a great job, especially if you want a family. Hmm...
Or how about at Dave and Shannon's wedding, when I was talking to a girl named Naomi (I think), and she asked what my major was. "Biology," I said, "but I'm not quite sure if I'm gonna stick with that right now." She said "Yeah, one of my friends was a Biology major, but she switched to nursing." Hm. I mean, I'm trying not to be superstitious about this or anything, but the fact is, I can't get away from the thought because it keeps popping up. What if. What if.
So what am I struggling with??
Pride.
My pride is a huge problem, because I know I have what it takes to be a doctor. Science comes pretty naturally to me, it even interests me, and if I study properly, I get A's. Period. Some pre-med students struggle with their classes much more than I do, and yet they still push through it and eventually become doctors. For me, yes the classes are challenging, but they also make a lot of sense. So, if I wanted to, I'm sure I could be a doctor.
Now, don't get me wrong here, because like I said, my mom is a nurse, and I definitely have a respect for the profession. But in the real world, doctors are still considered to be "above" nurses. They shouldn't be, I mean, both professions are essential to hospitals and such running smoothly. But the reality is, doctors get their own private dining room in hospitals. They have more pay. More respect. And sometimes, it goes to their head. Some of them will automatically consider themselves smarter than a nurse. More capable. Just "better," overall. It shouldn't be that way, but this is an imperfect world, and it happens a lot.
Would I be able to deal with that? Knowing that I AM smart. I AM capable. I CAN make critical decisions... but still being viewed as "less." Less educated. Less driven. Less independent. Whatever. It happens all the time. Many people assume that if you CAN become a doctor, than you WILL become a doctor, and if you're not an M.D., it's because you didn't make the cut. You had to settle for "less."
Besides that, I still am not sure if I truly am called to nursing. It's a demanding profession, and if it's not a passion of mine, I'm afraid I won't be able to stick with it, and I won't be satisfied. Yes it's a difficult job at times, but my mom does really enjoy caring for people. I just wonder if I would truly enjoy nursing. I think I could. But I'm just not sure...
I read this the other day, and it really made me think:
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
(Philippians 2:5-8)
Jesus WAS God. He wasn't "capable of becoming God..." He WAS God. And yet, he still took a lower place. He still became a lowly human, even though he was capable of such incomprehensible greatness. He made himself nothing, a servant. And therefore, the passage continues, God exalted him to the highest place.
It definitely applies to this situation, I think. Yes, I am capable of being a doctor (though I don't want to go to medical school). I have that ability. But that in itself is not enough reason to keep me from making myself "lower" (at least in the eyes of the world) and choosing a more humbling path. Less notoriety, more quiet service. Of course, just because it applies doesn't mean that I now have to be a nurse... but it is something to remember.
My pride is distracting me from discerning whether or not I am actually called to nursing, and I guess that's just something me and God will have to keep working on.
In the back of my mind, though, I have this image... of me and my mom, years down the line, on a medical mission trip together, as nurses. We've traveled to a country very different from our own. I have an image of her seeing, with her own eyes, how ordinary people can bring the love of God. I picture my mom actually seeing the one true God at work transforming the lives around her, and maybe even her own. I picture her seeing that following Jesus is so much more than singing songs on Sundays and giving away 10% of your money. God is REAL. God is LOVE. Only HE can heal this broken world.
That image won't die... it grows, and becomes more clearer and more exciting every time I think about it. Through God, all things are possible. Jesus, I just want to follow you. Show me the way.
I'm feeling more and more certain that research is not the right direction for me to go. It sucks, because I thought I would be really into it, but I guess a lot has changed over the past couple years. Mainly, I've found something even more compelling, interesting, and worthy of my time than the academic world, and it's following Jesus. It feels almost hypocritical of me to say that, because I can't even consistently keep up a daily quiet time with Him, but in my heart I do desire to follow him, and anything less for my life would not be satisfying. I just need to become more disciplined in some areas still.
Some of you know that a while ago I was thinking about nursing. Well, months later, I still am. The topic has come up in some odd ways, and it makes me wonder if it's God trying to point me in that direction, or if I am making something out of nothing. One day I went home, and me and my mom were talking about my future, and I let her know that research is looking less and less attractive. She says to me-- no joke-- "Have you ever thought about nursing?" I was very surprised, because I thought I remembered my mom telling me years ago to NOT be a nurse. Too much paperwork and too few staff makes it really difficult to do your real job-- caring for people. But she told me that she doesn't remember saying that, and nursing is a great job, especially if you want a family. Hmm...
Or how about at Dave and Shannon's wedding, when I was talking to a girl named Naomi (I think), and she asked what my major was. "Biology," I said, "but I'm not quite sure if I'm gonna stick with that right now." She said "Yeah, one of my friends was a Biology major, but she switched to nursing." Hm. I mean, I'm trying not to be superstitious about this or anything, but the fact is, I can't get away from the thought because it keeps popping up. What if. What if.
So what am I struggling with??
Pride.
My pride is a huge problem, because I know I have what it takes to be a doctor. Science comes pretty naturally to me, it even interests me, and if I study properly, I get A's. Period. Some pre-med students struggle with their classes much more than I do, and yet they still push through it and eventually become doctors. For me, yes the classes are challenging, but they also make a lot of sense. So, if I wanted to, I'm sure I could be a doctor.
Now, don't get me wrong here, because like I said, my mom is a nurse, and I definitely have a respect for the profession. But in the real world, doctors are still considered to be "above" nurses. They shouldn't be, I mean, both professions are essential to hospitals and such running smoothly. But the reality is, doctors get their own private dining room in hospitals. They have more pay. More respect. And sometimes, it goes to their head. Some of them will automatically consider themselves smarter than a nurse. More capable. Just "better," overall. It shouldn't be that way, but this is an imperfect world, and it happens a lot.
Would I be able to deal with that? Knowing that I AM smart. I AM capable. I CAN make critical decisions... but still being viewed as "less." Less educated. Less driven. Less independent. Whatever. It happens all the time. Many people assume that if you CAN become a doctor, than you WILL become a doctor, and if you're not an M.D., it's because you didn't make the cut. You had to settle for "less."
Besides that, I still am not sure if I truly am called to nursing. It's a demanding profession, and if it's not a passion of mine, I'm afraid I won't be able to stick with it, and I won't be satisfied. Yes it's a difficult job at times, but my mom does really enjoy caring for people. I just wonder if I would truly enjoy nursing. I think I could. But I'm just not sure...
I read this the other day, and it really made me think:
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
(Philippians 2:5-8)
Jesus WAS God. He wasn't "capable of becoming God..." He WAS God. And yet, he still took a lower place. He still became a lowly human, even though he was capable of such incomprehensible greatness. He made himself nothing, a servant. And therefore, the passage continues, God exalted him to the highest place.
It definitely applies to this situation, I think. Yes, I am capable of being a doctor (though I don't want to go to medical school). I have that ability. But that in itself is not enough reason to keep me from making myself "lower" (at least in the eyes of the world) and choosing a more humbling path. Less notoriety, more quiet service. Of course, just because it applies doesn't mean that I now have to be a nurse... but it is something to remember.
My pride is distracting me from discerning whether or not I am actually called to nursing, and I guess that's just something me and God will have to keep working on.
In the back of my mind, though, I have this image... of me and my mom, years down the line, on a medical mission trip together, as nurses. We've traveled to a country very different from our own. I have an image of her seeing, with her own eyes, how ordinary people can bring the love of God. I picture my mom actually seeing the one true God at work transforming the lives around her, and maybe even her own. I picture her seeing that following Jesus is so much more than singing songs on Sundays and giving away 10% of your money. God is REAL. God is LOVE. Only HE can heal this broken world.
That image won't die... it grows, and becomes more clearer and more exciting every time I think about it. Through God, all things are possible. Jesus, I just want to follow you. Show me the way.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Robin loves...
...her awesome brother, who is now Boca Ciega ALUMNI and a real, live, USF BULL!!
I'm so proud of him!! :) :) :)
I'm so proud of him!! :) :) :)
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
PLEASE
To my few friends who know about my blog:
My friend Lauren has followed Jesus to Immokalee, FL.
She is blogging about the experience here.
PLEASE do yourself a favor and READ IT!! I mean it!! This girl has a huge heart for justice, and I know God is going to have a lot to teach her. I'm so glad she's writing it down so that we can all learn from what He teaches her, too. Very excite!
Read. Thanks. Love ya. :)
My friend Lauren has followed Jesus to Immokalee, FL.
She is blogging about the experience here.
PLEASE do yourself a favor and READ IT!! I mean it!! This girl has a huge heart for justice, and I know God is going to have a lot to teach her. I'm so glad she's writing it down so that we can all learn from what He teaches her, too. Very excite!
Read. Thanks. Love ya. :)
Monday, June 2, 2008
Lazy
Lazy-butt... that's me!! :/
I'm not looking forward to work tonight... I'm going to be the only server in the entire back dining room. Can you say STRESS?? If it's anything close to as busy tonight as it was last night, I'm gonna barricade the entrance to the room with chairs and trays so the hostesses will maybe STOP seating me for 2 minutes while they take apart the barricade. *sigh* Hopefully I'll survive tho, and make some cash. My goal is to make enough money this summer so that I can QUIT when school starts. Then I can dye my hair awesome colors, and get my ears pierced AGAIN, and oh yeah, be able to put more time into ministry (that's the main one, lol)!!
P.S. My little bro is gradumacating tomorrow!! I'm so excited!! :)
That's us at the Ren Fest last year. :)
Hooray for Eric graduating! We'll finally be at the same school again! Go Bulls!!
I'm not looking forward to work tonight... I'm going to be the only server in the entire back dining room. Can you say STRESS?? If it's anything close to as busy tonight as it was last night, I'm gonna barricade the entrance to the room with chairs and trays so the hostesses will maybe STOP seating me for 2 minutes while they take apart the barricade. *sigh* Hopefully I'll survive tho, and make some cash. My goal is to make enough money this summer so that I can QUIT when school starts. Then I can dye my hair awesome colors, and get my ears pierced AGAIN, and oh yeah, be able to put more time into ministry (that's the main one, lol)!!
P.S. My little bro is gradumacating tomorrow!! I'm so excited!! :)
That's us at the Ren Fest last year. :)
Hooray for Eric graduating! We'll finally be at the same school again! Go Bulls!!
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