Ranting-- be warned.

I am so tired of feeling like an outsider among my own "community." I was talking to Ryan last night about my frustrations with my social life/friendships/personal relationships (the fact that I don't really have any), and I said it bugs me that people seem to get this impression that I'm stand-offish or something. You know, for a while people were even afraid to hug me for some reason. It's a little better now, but for the longest time they would hug people next to me, and then like wave to me or something. It was so weird. Why would people be afraid to hug me?? When have I ever been mean to any of them??

Anyway. He said to me "Well, you ARE stand-offish." That made me really mad. I started yelling at him, arguing, saying no I'm NOT. But he kept repeating, yes, yes you are. Why don't you want to admit it? And then I started crying out of anger and frustration, both at him and at my life. I HATE feeling so cut off from people. Honestly. It's killing me. I want friendship so badly, I feel like I am starving. I feel like I have very very FEW close friends. Basically Ryan and Theresa. There is nobody else I can talk to about my life, nobody I spend time with just hanging out... nobody that calls me, or wants to study with me, or basically wants to do ANYTHING with me, unless there's gonna be a bunch of other people there too. I don't know what I did to give this impression, but contrary to popular belief, I do NOT like this.

A year ago, at spring conference, I felt the same way. God told me that a few specific sins I was allowing into my life were causing me to shut myself off from everyone in order to hide them... so I let them go. Boom. Done. And things got a little better... but really, not much. I'm not hiding my life from people anymore like I was a year ago... and yet I still don't feel like I have true friends. I am surrounded by people all the time, and yet I feel so isolated. I wish I knew how to change this. There is this wall around me, but I don't want it there!! What can I do to make it go away? What can I do to make people stop rejecting me?? Why is everyone so against getting close to me?

As a whole, we are a very inclusive community, it's true. That fact makes me happy for the new people who find love and acceptance with us. Really, it does. And yet... that very fact eats me alive sometimes. The most inclusive group of people I have ever met does not find it worthwhile to get close to me. It makes me jealous, and angry, and I know these feelings are destructive, and I try to let them go... but it's very hard to do. I try to push it all away so my issues won't have a negative impact on our ministry, but inside it just keeps building and growing.

I am constantly surrounded by super inclusive people, and yet I am ALONE... and I feel like the very fact that this bothers me at all makes me selfish. Like I have no right to feel this way... and you know, maybe I don't. But whether I am justified or not, the feelings are there, and I don't know how to deal with them. I feel like a loser. I am supposed to be a leader, and here I am whining about my life. "Poor me, nobody likes me, blah blah blah," I just make myself SICK. I disgust myself.

It makes me miss my freshman year. It was one of the most painful and destructive years of my life... but shoot. It wasn't ALL bad. At least I had friends.

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Grad School...

...at the College of Public Health?

Now there's an idea!!

I have just started looking into this, but already I'm seriously thinking of applying... I'm really excited, this is something I may actually pursue! For now, I'm off to research this field. More later!


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aaaahh!

I just submitted a resume to Metropolitan Ministries for a part time job that has recently become available. I really, really hope I get it, because they are one of my all-time favorite organizations. I'm really nervous...

Maybe I'll just work for them all my life... lol!

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Inauguration tales.

I skipped class to watch the inauguration of Barack Obama. Should be no surprise to anyone who knows me... this is the third time I've skipped this year for presidential reasons, lol. Definitely, definitely worth it though.

The Marshall Center was holding an inauguration party in the Ballroom, with big screens, food, etc. Me, Theresa, Cici, Kim, Heather S, Lauren A, and Leo all ended up watching it together. It was an amazing experience. I got there about an hour early, in time to watch everyone arriving on stage. It was really, really exciting. I was just in awe of it all. I had my camera (well, really it was Jordan's camera) and as soon as I can get my computer to read this stupid SD card, I'll post pics. I shot a movie of his swearing-in, too, and I'll post it as soon as possible.

Being there with so many people watching Obama's inauguration was almost as good as watching it in DC... maybe even better, since we weren't in a sea of 2 million people out in 20 degree weather, lol. All eyes in the room were fixed on the screen. Hundreds and hundreds of people were there, and every news station around (including Telemundo!) brought a news crew. Cameras were lined up around the perimeter of the room. We all stood when they asked everyone to please rise, we bowed our heads together to pray, everyone laughed after Rick Warren's pronounciation of "SASHA!" and Obama's stumbling of words as he took the oath... and as he was declared president, the room ERUPTED in cheers, yelling, jumping, and shouting. Watching the millions celebrating in DC over the giant screen gave us a second wind, and we cheered and cheered some more. I was so happy, and so proud to be a part of this moment in history. We were filled with hope and anticipation as we all listened attentively to his speech, and I'll never forget the feeling. I feel like I was a part of something very special.

Now, I'm not delusional. I know Obama does not hold the answer to all the problems of the world. I know that he is only human, and like any other human, he will have failures along with his successes. But I am so overjoyed at having even a tiny share in electing the first black president of the United States, and I am really in awe of the ability he has shown so far to inspire hope through his words. I pray that he and our other leaders will be kept safe, and that he will make wise, humble, and honest choices as he leads our country in a new direction.

But wait, there's more. I know what you're asking... on top of all this, what could have possibly made the day any better?

That's right. 20 cent tacos at Taco Bell. Me and Ryan waited a half hour for our 10 tacos, which cost a total of $2.14, because... well... we really had nothing better to do, and I love people-watching. The packed Taco Bell on the outskirts of Suitcase City is just something that I will always remember as the cherry on top of a simply wonderful day.

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Challenged

I was really challenged by Brian's talk/sermon/whatever at the Underground this Sunday. I mean, not that this is anything out of the ordinary, he's always challenging, thought-provoking, etc... but it was almost a similar experience to when he spoke Saturday night at the JJP conference this summer. Come to think about it, the topic was actually related in some ways. Funny that this Sunday's message keeps flying around in my head, though, because I was actually having a hard time focusing. But at some point I guess the Holy Spirit just grabbed me by the nose and said "Look!" and I did... and everything that was said from that point on, I simply can't get out of my head.

It was what he said about sin and evil... it wasn't any new concept (far from it), but somehow it really hit home with me this time. The realization that sin leads to violence, exploitation, utter destruction and death... and how we in the Western church make the struggle against sin so self-centered and inward focused. "Oh I have this problem with lust," or greed, or whatever, and we just play around with it! We focus on repenting, only to ignore it later, and then do it all over again. We get so caught up in our little struggle... not remembering that it is SIN like this that leads to all the evils of the world! SIN that destroys people's entire lives! And we treat it like a little game between us and God?? I don't know. I feel like I'm not explaining this clearly... I can't wait until the sermon gets posted (NOTE: that page is only viewable with Internet Explorer; the page won't fully update with Firefox).

Suffice it to say that I was convicted about ways that I've just been playing around with various sins in my life, and my pattern of "sin and repent, whatever," not taking it too seriously, and not really having any motivation to really change. But making all these connections on Sunday finally made me realize how idiotic I am being, and really inspired me to RUN from sin. To fight it in the name of Jesus, and not mess around playing this stupid game anymore. I'm done with it.

Well. You know what I mean. I'm done being passive about sin... I now see why it matters. I understood with my brain before... but now I truly know in my heart. I pray that my feeling of conviction lasts, because something feels so RIGHT about this attitude, this "new" realization about an age-old battle.

Serious post?

Not right now. But I know I've been slacking on the blogging front... lol. Wish I had time to write more... at the moment, I have some really interesting stuff on my mind after leaving an extensive comment on a friend's blog earlier tonight. Maybe I'll write about it some other time... right now, it's just toooo late. I'm sleepy. LOL...

Brother from another mother.

I just watched this crazy documentary I had recorded a couple months ago about genocides, and about the people who have spoken out against the genocides in recent years-- from the Holocaust, to Cambodia, to Iraq/Iran, to Bosnia, to Rwanda, and now Darfur. It blew my mind.

I was on the edge of my seat the entire time, filled with a sense of utter confusion, disbelief, sadness... and yet at the same time, the people who spoke against the genocides... I somehow felt that they were MY people. My allies, my brothers. It was odd, the deep connection I felt. Makes me think, you know?

2009.

Happy New Year!

2009... that's just ridiculous. I feel so old. :P