Ranting-- be warned.

I am so tired of feeling like an outsider among my own "community." I was talking to Ryan last night about my frustrations with my social life/friendships/personal relationships (the fact that I don't really have any), and I said it bugs me that people seem to get this impression that I'm stand-offish or something. You know, for a while people were even afraid to hug me for some reason. It's a little better now, but for the longest time they would hug people next to me, and then like wave to me or something. It was so weird. Why would people be afraid to hug me?? When have I ever been mean to any of them??

Anyway. He said to me "Well, you ARE stand-offish." That made me really mad. I started yelling at him, arguing, saying no I'm NOT. But he kept repeating, yes, yes you are. Why don't you want to admit it? And then I started crying out of anger and frustration, both at him and at my life. I HATE feeling so cut off from people. Honestly. It's killing me. I want friendship so badly, I feel like I am starving. I feel like I have very very FEW close friends. Basically Ryan and Theresa. There is nobody else I can talk to about my life, nobody I spend time with just hanging out... nobody that calls me, or wants to study with me, or basically wants to do ANYTHING with me, unless there's gonna be a bunch of other people there too. I don't know what I did to give this impression, but contrary to popular belief, I do NOT like this.

A year ago, at spring conference, I felt the same way. God told me that a few specific sins I was allowing into my life were causing me to shut myself off from everyone in order to hide them... so I let them go. Boom. Done. And things got a little better... but really, not much. I'm not hiding my life from people anymore like I was a year ago... and yet I still don't feel like I have true friends. I am surrounded by people all the time, and yet I feel so isolated. I wish I knew how to change this. There is this wall around me, but I don't want it there!! What can I do to make it go away? What can I do to make people stop rejecting me?? Why is everyone so against getting close to me?

As a whole, we are a very inclusive community, it's true. That fact makes me happy for the new people who find love and acceptance with us. Really, it does. And yet... that very fact eats me alive sometimes. The most inclusive group of people I have ever met does not find it worthwhile to get close to me. It makes me jealous, and angry, and I know these feelings are destructive, and I try to let them go... but it's very hard to do. I try to push it all away so my issues won't have a negative impact on our ministry, but inside it just keeps building and growing.

I am constantly surrounded by super inclusive people, and yet I am ALONE... and I feel like the very fact that this bothers me at all makes me selfish. Like I have no right to feel this way... and you know, maybe I don't. But whether I am justified or not, the feelings are there, and I don't know how to deal with them. I feel like a loser. I am supposed to be a leader, and here I am whining about my life. "Poor me, nobody likes me, blah blah blah," I just make myself SICK. I disgust myself.

It makes me miss my freshman year. It was one of the most painful and destructive years of my life... but shoot. It wasn't ALL bad. At least I had friends.

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