Ugh... the future.

I've been posting some fluff for a while now, but there is some stuff on my mind that I need to sort out. Or attempt to. I would rather just avoid it all, but time continues to pass no matter how much I try to ignore it, and I have to face the fact that if I stay on my current track at USF, I will have a B.S. in Biology less than a year from now. Yikes. (Warning: this may get long.)

I'm feeling more and more certain that research is not the right direction for me to go. It sucks, because I thought I would be really into it, but I guess a lot has changed over the past couple years. Mainly, I've found something even more compelling, interesting, and worthy of my time than the academic world, and it's following Jesus. It feels almost hypocritical of me to say that, because I can't even consistently keep up a daily quiet time with Him, but in my heart I do desire to follow him, and anything less for my life would not be satisfying. I just need to become more disciplined in some areas still.

Some of you know that a while ago I was thinking about nursing. Well, months later, I still am. The topic has come up in some odd ways, and it makes me wonder if it's God trying to point me in that direction, or if I am making something out of nothing. One day I went home, and me and my mom were talking about my future, and I let her know that research is looking less and less attractive. She says to me-- no joke-- "Have you ever thought about nursing?" I was very surprised, because I thought I remembered my mom telling me years ago to NOT be a nurse. Too much paperwork and too few staff makes it really difficult to do your real job-- caring for people. But she told me that she doesn't remember saying that, and nursing is a great job, especially if you want a family. Hmm...

Or how about at Dave and Shannon's wedding, when I was talking to a girl named Naomi (I think), and she asked what my major was. "Biology," I said, "but I'm not quite sure if I'm gonna stick with that right now." She said "Yeah, one of my friends was a Biology major, but she switched to nursing." Hm. I mean, I'm trying not to be superstitious about this or anything, but the fact is, I can't get away from the thought because it keeps popping up. What if. What if.

So what am I struggling with??

Pride.

My pride is a huge problem, because I know I have what it takes to be a doctor. Science comes pretty naturally to me, it even interests me, and if I study properly, I get A's. Period. Some pre-med students struggle with their classes much more than I do, and yet they still push through it and eventually become doctors. For me, yes the classes are challenging, but they also make a lot of sense. So, if I wanted to, I'm sure I could be a doctor.

Now, don't get me wrong here, because like I said, my mom is a nurse, and I definitely have a respect for the profession. But in the real world, doctors are still considered to be "above" nurses. They shouldn't be, I mean, both professions are essential to hospitals and such running smoothly. But the reality is, doctors get their own private dining room in hospitals. They have more pay. More respect. And sometimes, it goes to their head. Some of them will automatically consider themselves smarter than a nurse. More capable. Just "better," overall. It shouldn't be that way, but this is an imperfect world, and it happens a lot.

Would I be able to deal with that? Knowing that I AM smart. I AM capable. I CAN make critical decisions... but still being viewed as "less." Less educated. Less driven. Less independent. Whatever. It happens all the time. Many people assume that if you CAN become a doctor, than you WILL become a doctor, and if you're not an M.D., it's because you didn't make the cut. You had to settle for "less."

Besides that, I still am not sure if I truly am called to nursing. It's a demanding profession, and if it's not a passion of mine, I'm afraid I won't be able to stick with it, and I won't be satisfied. Yes it's a difficult job at times, but my mom does really enjoy caring for people. I just wonder if I would truly enjoy nursing. I think I could. But I'm just not sure...

I read this the other day, and it really made me think:

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
(Philippians 2:5-8)

Jesus WAS God. He wasn't "capable of becoming God..." He WAS God. And yet, he still took a lower place. He still became a lowly human, even though he was capable of such incomprehensible greatness. He made himself nothing, a servant. And therefore, the passage continues, God exalted him to the highest place.

It definitely applies to this situation, I think. Yes, I am capable of being a doctor (though I don't want to go to medical school). I have that ability. But that in itself is not enough reason to keep me from making myself "lower" (at least in the eyes of the world) and choosing a more humbling path. Less notoriety, more quiet service. Of course, just because it applies doesn't mean that I now have to be a nurse... but it is something to remember.

My pride is distracting me from discerning whether or not I am actually called to nursing, and I guess that's just something me and God will have to keep working on.

In the back of my mind, though, I have this image... of me and my mom, years down the line, on a medical mission trip together, as nurses. We've traveled to a country very different from our own. I have an image of her seeing, with her own eyes, how ordinary people can bring the love of God. I picture my mom actually seeing the one true God at work transforming the lives around her, and maybe even her own. I picture her seeing that following Jesus is so much more than singing songs on Sundays and giving away 10% of your money. God is REAL. God is LOVE. Only HE can heal this broken world.

That image won't die... it grows, and becomes more clearer and more exciting every time I think about it. Through God, all things are possible. Jesus, I just want to follow you. Show me the way.