That's not the feeling I'm talking about though. I'm talking about something a little deeper. I feel bad writing about this because it's so dark, but honestly, that's how I feel right now. I feel full of darkness. Does that make sense? This cold, dark sadness that feels like it's gnawing away at the inside of my chest. I can't escape it right now. It's something I've struggled with as long as I can remember, and it's especially pronounced at the moment.
Birthdays tend to have a funny effect on me, and I think that's what I can attribute it to. At least for right now. Birthdays bring out some of the best things in life, like family, friends, love, and celebration. But they also bring out the worst. Namely, they remind me that my time here is limited. Like it or not, I've been here for almost 21 years, and it freaks me out when I think what portion of my life that may be. I'll go right ahead and say it. I'm terrified of death. I know I shouldn't be. I have faith in God, I am saved through His son. But sometimes, that faith just gets swallowed up by this inescapable darkness... not to say my faith is gone... but it gets smothered sometimes. And at those times, I feel so lost and so alone.
My birthday. Every year I go though this. I mean, life is all I've ever known, and what comes next is so mysterious that it just seems like this terrifying black hole. I wish I were somehow exempt. I remember when I was a little kid, I read about Enoch in my little Genesis storybook. I was intrigued, and I wanted to be just like him. I wanted to walk with God so closely that he would pluck me up and take me away with him before I had a chance to die. Strange thoughts for a 4-year-old, perhaps, but I remember it clearly. I also remember completely misunderstanding the story of Adam and Eve, and being mad at my parents for feeding me apples, because that meant that someday I would die. (In my preschool mind, a person who never ate an apple would never die.) I guess I was a strange child. But it's all true. This acute sense of my own mortality has been with me forever. The older I get, though, the more it turns into fear.
I feel bad writing something so dark. But even the psalms were sometimes lonely and desperate. It's an honest human emotion, and as much as I would like to escape it, right now, I feel as though I am slowly being swallowed up. I should probably go to bed. The only good thing about this feeling is that it only comes at night, and 99.9% of the time, the morning alone is enough to send it far away. That's not to say that tomorrow night won't send it rushing back... but there's at least some hope.
Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;
O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.
If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
(Psalm 130:1-5)
I feel so distant from you, God... I just want to be near you. My head knows you will never leave me...
...but please, comfort my heart.
