Amazing. What a great weekend. I feel like God has renewed me, and really stretched me in ways that I may not have been prepared for... and yet, he guided me through it all. He has built up my faith, and he has answered some questions I had... of course, those answers brought new questions, but for now, I am content. I am secure in God's love and guidance. I just need to stay connected to him... desperately.
More later. Homework time.
Showing posts with label god. Show all posts
Showing posts with label god. Show all posts
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Following Jesus means more than just being "nice..."
This is an (abridged) excerpt from an awesome book I'm reading, called Encounter God in the City, by Randy White. He lives in Fresno, California in a community called Lowell. Though the whole book is great, the following part especially moved me because it's SO true...
There is a bumper sticker I see from time to time that says "If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention." Somehow, somewhere, it became acceptable-- regarded as inevitable, really-- that in this city, 4 out of 10 children live under the poverty line, that 38 % of the population runs out of their food budget before the end of the month, that we have the worst school system in the state, and that we have an average of 15% unemployment. Not only are so many of us in the church not outraged at these social realities, we have also individualized and internalized our faith making it disengaged from social systems altogether, becoming "privately engaging but socially irrelevant." We have so wrapped our faith in comfort and equated it with niceness that we can't imagine it compelling us to become disturbed (or disturbing). We can't imagine anything allowing us to disrupt our lives, certainly not involvement in the complexities of community transformation.
Our "faith" doesn't require it, though the apostle James reminded us that the truest expression of faith is "to care for orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." Oxford theologian N.T. Wright laments,
Fact is, many of us are embarrassed by people who are so passionate about certain issues that they seem to have no other life. And we are rightly horrified by those who let their passions over issues lead to acts of violence. If that is what outrage leads to, we're happy to carry on our quiet, private lives of faith. We may feel a twinge of guilt or anxiety when faced with the massive urban problems of homelessness, illiteracy, hunger, and substandard housing. But it's like we've made a decision that, since we can't go around constantly outraged, we'll enter an "urban trance." We can deal with our anxiety generated by the homeless and the hungry by simply not focusing on them.
The more positive and proactive cousin of that bumper sticker is from the prophet Amos, who cried out "let justice roll down like waters, / and righteousness like an ever flowing stream." Yet, it is one thing to affirm this majestic command, and quite another to DO it. Only recently have Western evangelical leaders begun to recapture the spirit of the early Christians: that we can wholeheartedly commit ourselves to Christ-motivated social action combined with the proclamation of the gospel without feeling that we are somehow abandoning the "real" gospel for a "social" gospel.
However, this does not mean the practice has trickled down to the church pews, where it is still assumed that Christian growth has to do with primarily internal/attitudinal changes. We hear verses like "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds" (Rom 12:2) and assume the goal is merely a change in thinking. "We are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another" (2 Cor 3:18) is assumed to refer merely to character. We hear "aspire to live quietly, to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands (1 Thess 4:11) and take it as permission to live focused solely on our own lives, families, and jobs. Many believers don't like to think of becoming discordant, and can't imagine how to reorganize their lives in order to maximize their efforts toward kingdom transformation.
Transformed people can transform a society. The cycle of experience, reflection, and application can in itself lead to social change. As we engage in the kind of ministry that has the potential to bring transformation to a community, the effect on us is more than a desire for personal growth. In other words, our own transformation makes us avenues for transformation in the city.
After visiting Immokalee yesterday, this passage really seemed very real to me. I am reminded of the churches near Immokalee who donate a Thanksgiving dinner year after year for the farmworkers to eat for free, but yet these church members don't wonder why, though the people of Immokalee work hard labor for 12 hour days, 6-7 days a week, they still can't afford to feed their families. I am reminded of a Christian woman who won't help the homeless in her neighborhood because she sees the same people on her street year after year, but yet though these same homeless people have been around for 6 years, the woman does not know how they became homeless, does not know whether they have families... she doesn't even know their names.
When will Christians in the Western world see that there is more to following Jesus than simply developing character? Yes, character development IS important, but if that's all you get out of a relationship with God, then you are NOT following the Jesus of the Bible! When will the church see that band-aid fixes are not enough?? It is NOT ENOUGH to simply hand out food and clothing! It is our responsibility as people with privilege and an education to use our resources to enact real change! We need to not only feed the hungry, but change the systems that allow hunger to continue year after year. We need to not only hand out charity, but to develop real, loving relationships with those in need!
We need to offer our whole lives to God, and thus offer our whole lives to serving those in need. Yes, saying this scares me. I won't lie. I don't always WANT to give control of my entire life to God. I give this part, and that part, but never all of it. But it really is what is required of us if we want to truly love the poor... and, as Brian Sanders once said, only in loving the poor can we truly love God.
Thanks for reading the whole thing. I know it was long. Comments?
There is a bumper sticker I see from time to time that says "If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention." Somehow, somewhere, it became acceptable-- regarded as inevitable, really-- that in this city, 4 out of 10 children live under the poverty line, that 38 % of the population runs out of their food budget before the end of the month, that we have the worst school system in the state, and that we have an average of 15% unemployment. Not only are so many of us in the church not outraged at these social realities, we have also individualized and internalized our faith making it disengaged from social systems altogether, becoming "privately engaging but socially irrelevant." We have so wrapped our faith in comfort and equated it with niceness that we can't imagine it compelling us to become disturbed (or disturbing). We can't imagine anything allowing us to disrupt our lives, certainly not involvement in the complexities of community transformation.
Our "faith" doesn't require it, though the apostle James reminded us that the truest expression of faith is "to care for orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." Oxford theologian N.T. Wright laments,
Plenty of people in the church have made up a "Jesus" for themselves, and have found that this invented character makes few real demands on them. He makes them feel happy from time to time but doesn't challenge them, doesn't suggest that they get up and DO something about the plight of the world. Which is, of course, what the real Jesus had an uncomfortable habit of doing.
Fact is, many of us are embarrassed by people who are so passionate about certain issues that they seem to have no other life. And we are rightly horrified by those who let their passions over issues lead to acts of violence. If that is what outrage leads to, we're happy to carry on our quiet, private lives of faith. We may feel a twinge of guilt or anxiety when faced with the massive urban problems of homelessness, illiteracy, hunger, and substandard housing. But it's like we've made a decision that, since we can't go around constantly outraged, we'll enter an "urban trance." We can deal with our anxiety generated by the homeless and the hungry by simply not focusing on them.
The more positive and proactive cousin of that bumper sticker is from the prophet Amos, who cried out "let justice roll down like waters, / and righteousness like an ever flowing stream." Yet, it is one thing to affirm this majestic command, and quite another to DO it. Only recently have Western evangelical leaders begun to recapture the spirit of the early Christians: that we can wholeheartedly commit ourselves to Christ-motivated social action combined with the proclamation of the gospel without feeling that we are somehow abandoning the "real" gospel for a "social" gospel.
However, this does not mean the practice has trickled down to the church pews, where it is still assumed that Christian growth has to do with primarily internal/attitudinal changes. We hear verses like "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds" (Rom 12:2) and assume the goal is merely a change in thinking. "We are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another" (2 Cor 3:18) is assumed to refer merely to character. We hear "aspire to live quietly, to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands (1 Thess 4:11) and take it as permission to live focused solely on our own lives, families, and jobs. Many believers don't like to think of becoming discordant, and can't imagine how to reorganize their lives in order to maximize their efforts toward kingdom transformation.
Transformed people can transform a society. The cycle of experience, reflection, and application can in itself lead to social change. As we engage in the kind of ministry that has the potential to bring transformation to a community, the effect on us is more than a desire for personal growth. In other words, our own transformation makes us avenues for transformation in the city.
After visiting Immokalee yesterday, this passage really seemed very real to me. I am reminded of the churches near Immokalee who donate a Thanksgiving dinner year after year for the farmworkers to eat for free, but yet these church members don't wonder why, though the people of Immokalee work hard labor for 12 hour days, 6-7 days a week, they still can't afford to feed their families. I am reminded of a Christian woman who won't help the homeless in her neighborhood because she sees the same people on her street year after year, but yet though these same homeless people have been around for 6 years, the woman does not know how they became homeless, does not know whether they have families... she doesn't even know their names.
When will Christians in the Western world see that there is more to following Jesus than simply developing character? Yes, character development IS important, but if that's all you get out of a relationship with God, then you are NOT following the Jesus of the Bible! When will the church see that band-aid fixes are not enough?? It is NOT ENOUGH to simply hand out food and clothing! It is our responsibility as people with privilege and an education to use our resources to enact real change! We need to not only feed the hungry, but change the systems that allow hunger to continue year after year. We need to not only hand out charity, but to develop real, loving relationships with those in need!
We need to offer our whole lives to God, and thus offer our whole lives to serving those in need. Yes, saying this scares me. I won't lie. I don't always WANT to give control of my entire life to God. I give this part, and that part, but never all of it. But it really is what is required of us if we want to truly love the poor... and, as Brian Sanders once said, only in loving the poor can we truly love God.
Thanks for reading the whole thing. I know it was long. Comments?
Monday, July 14, 2008
The Power of God...
This weekend was incredible. I am changed as a result, and I hope the change lasts forever.
My weekend was spent in Ybor Heights. You may be familiar with the area. If not, you've probably driven past it on the way to Busch Gardens or something. When you're traveling north on 275, just after you pass the I-4 overpass, look to your right. See those houses? Off of Nebraska, MLK, Floribraska? That's where we were.
Part of the weekend was spent in small groups. In each group, there was a leader from the Underground Church, and a homeless or ex-homeless mentor. They were our guides through the city, and were there to tell us what it's really like to live on the streets. Our mentor/guide, Danny, was absolutely amazing. He used to work for gangsters in New York in the organized crime scene. His boss was John Gotti's nephew. Somehow, he came into hard times, and found himself homeless, on drugs, and struggling to survive. A few years ago, he came to Florida and got hooked in with a church who reached out to the homeless... and the rest was history. He says he used to chase after diamond rings, $40,000 cars, and girls... and now he chases after Jesus, and he's never been happier. Every person we passed on the street, he smiled and said hello, and reminded them that they were loved by Jesus.
Part of our tour through the city involved prayer. Sometimes we would stop and talk to people that were on the street, or hanging around on the front porch of their homes. Everyone was so welcoming and eager to talk to us. We asked if they needed prayer for anything, and they would explain situations in their life. We'd pray with them, and just try to express that God cared so much about them. It was really awesome meeting people that way.
I was really impacted by the homeless mentors, however. They were so eager to share their lives with us. Most of them are now Christians, and the hope and joy they expressed was simply astounding. Brian explained it this way. They had seen the bottom, they had seen despair, and they had been saved by Jesus. After that, what is there to fear? Danny, for instance. He told us that there were two separate times he flatlined after a drug OD and was brought back to life in the hospital. He also stole from the gangsters he worked for... not a smart idea if you value your life. He said again and again that logically, he should not be alive. But God saved him, and he owes his very life to him. Eddie, Mike, Charlie, Lloyd, April, Indio, and the people whose names I did not catch-- you have impacted me so much. You have broken down barriers and stereotypes that even I had about the homeless. You have shown me your individuality and your personalities, and taken away much of the fear and nervousness I had about talking to homeless people. I will be forever grateful for how you have changed me.
We felt the power of God so strongly all weekend. Brian's talks were fueled by the raw power and passion of God's heart. There was so much emotion in him as he talked about the children he has met over the years who are stuck in absolute poverty. He was on the verge of crying multiple times, and I've never seen him get like that. But the stories of Rafi in the Philippines, Geraldine in Haiti, Rafael and the street kids in Rio de Janiero, and Telandro, who lived (and tragically died) right here in Ybor Heights, illustrated so clearly the tragedy of poverty, the sin of the Western nations as they ignore it, and the anger of God over this injustice to his beloved children. I can't even express how convicted I felt.
The very heart of Jesus Christ is with the poor and the broken. Luke 18 illustrated this. There are four small stories; read it if you aren't familiar with them. The persistent widow was rich in spirit but poor materially, and the parable indicated that God hears the cries of people like this. The tax collector was rich materially but poor in his broken spirit, and God accepted his humility. The little children were poor in every way possible, and Jesus accepted them and showed that they were especially valued by God. But the rich young ruler... the one who wanted to follow Jesus, and even gave the "right" answers when his knowledge was tested... couldn't bring himself to give up his possessions. He was spiritually rich with a wealth of knowledge of God, and he was obviously materially rich... and it was THIS PERSON of the four who was denied by God! Our God is a God of the poor and broken, and this was made so, so clear to me by the Holy Spirit himself this weekend. I can't even express it.
This weekend re-ignited the passion in my heart for God, and the hope that is found in Jesus alone. Only through him can this broken world be transformed. And if we ignore it's brokenness, we ignore the very things that break God's heart. How, then, does this show that we "love" him??
I don't know exactly how this weekend has changed the course of my life. But I feel that it has. On Sunday, after it was all over, the USF kids ate lunch at Jeremy's house. It was really crowded, but eventually everyone trickled out except for me, Ryan, Nadia, and Jessica R. We sat with Jeremy and just talked about God, about the weekend, and about our four friends who had just decided to follow Jesus after experiencing the conference. I laid there on the floor in his Ybor Heights home, and I felt so perfectly content. I wondered why, and here's what I gathered.
Jeremy doesn't have really anything in excess, materially. I mean, he has a TV and computer, lots of books, and typical household furniture... his kids have toys... but they're not super expensive, and there's not excess. But Jeremy DOES have his amazing wife (who I admire so much), his family, and a passion in his heart to follow God anywhere, and to serve His people the best that he can. This, I believe, is all I will ever need to be truly happy. I dreaded returning to my apartment and all my useless things and obligations. But I know that if I let him, God will lead me where he needs me to go. I trust him. My faith has grown so much...
.
My weekend was spent in Ybor Heights. You may be familiar with the area. If not, you've probably driven past it on the way to Busch Gardens or something. When you're traveling north on 275, just after you pass the I-4 overpass, look to your right. See those houses? Off of Nebraska, MLK, Floribraska? That's where we were.
Part of the weekend was spent in small groups. In each group, there was a leader from the Underground Church, and a homeless or ex-homeless mentor. They were our guides through the city, and were there to tell us what it's really like to live on the streets. Our mentor/guide, Danny, was absolutely amazing. He used to work for gangsters in New York in the organized crime scene. His boss was John Gotti's nephew. Somehow, he came into hard times, and found himself homeless, on drugs, and struggling to survive. A few years ago, he came to Florida and got hooked in with a church who reached out to the homeless... and the rest was history. He says he used to chase after diamond rings, $40,000 cars, and girls... and now he chases after Jesus, and he's never been happier. Every person we passed on the street, he smiled and said hello, and reminded them that they were loved by Jesus.
Part of our tour through the city involved prayer. Sometimes we would stop and talk to people that were on the street, or hanging around on the front porch of their homes. Everyone was so welcoming and eager to talk to us. We asked if they needed prayer for anything, and they would explain situations in their life. We'd pray with them, and just try to express that God cared so much about them. It was really awesome meeting people that way.
I was really impacted by the homeless mentors, however. They were so eager to share their lives with us. Most of them are now Christians, and the hope and joy they expressed was simply astounding. Brian explained it this way. They had seen the bottom, they had seen despair, and they had been saved by Jesus. After that, what is there to fear? Danny, for instance. He told us that there were two separate times he flatlined after a drug OD and was brought back to life in the hospital. He also stole from the gangsters he worked for... not a smart idea if you value your life. He said again and again that logically, he should not be alive. But God saved him, and he owes his very life to him. Eddie, Mike, Charlie, Lloyd, April, Indio, and the people whose names I did not catch-- you have impacted me so much. You have broken down barriers and stereotypes that even I had about the homeless. You have shown me your individuality and your personalities, and taken away much of the fear and nervousness I had about talking to homeless people. I will be forever grateful for how you have changed me.
We felt the power of God so strongly all weekend. Brian's talks were fueled by the raw power and passion of God's heart. There was so much emotion in him as he talked about the children he has met over the years who are stuck in absolute poverty. He was on the verge of crying multiple times, and I've never seen him get like that. But the stories of Rafi in the Philippines, Geraldine in Haiti, Rafael and the street kids in Rio de Janiero, and Telandro, who lived (and tragically died) right here in Ybor Heights, illustrated so clearly the tragedy of poverty, the sin of the Western nations as they ignore it, and the anger of God over this injustice to his beloved children. I can't even express how convicted I felt.
The very heart of Jesus Christ is with the poor and the broken. Luke 18 illustrated this. There are four small stories; read it if you aren't familiar with them. The persistent widow was rich in spirit but poor materially, and the parable indicated that God hears the cries of people like this. The tax collector was rich materially but poor in his broken spirit, and God accepted his humility. The little children were poor in every way possible, and Jesus accepted them and showed that they were especially valued by God. But the rich young ruler... the one who wanted to follow Jesus, and even gave the "right" answers when his knowledge was tested... couldn't bring himself to give up his possessions. He was spiritually rich with a wealth of knowledge of God, and he was obviously materially rich... and it was THIS PERSON of the four who was denied by God! Our God is a God of the poor and broken, and this was made so, so clear to me by the Holy Spirit himself this weekend. I can't even express it.
This weekend re-ignited the passion in my heart for God, and the hope that is found in Jesus alone. Only through him can this broken world be transformed. And if we ignore it's brokenness, we ignore the very things that break God's heart. How, then, does this show that we "love" him??
I don't know exactly how this weekend has changed the course of my life. But I feel that it has. On Sunday, after it was all over, the USF kids ate lunch at Jeremy's house. It was really crowded, but eventually everyone trickled out except for me, Ryan, Nadia, and Jessica R. We sat with Jeremy and just talked about God, about the weekend, and about our four friends who had just decided to follow Jesus after experiencing the conference. I laid there on the floor in his Ybor Heights home, and I felt so perfectly content. I wondered why, and here's what I gathered.
Jeremy doesn't have really anything in excess, materially. I mean, he has a TV and computer, lots of books, and typical household furniture... his kids have toys... but they're not super expensive, and there's not excess. But Jeremy DOES have his amazing wife (who I admire so much), his family, and a passion in his heart to follow God anywhere, and to serve His people the best that he can. This, I believe, is all I will ever need to be truly happy. I dreaded returning to my apartment and all my useless things and obligations. But I know that if I let him, God will lead me where he needs me to go. I trust him. My faith has grown so much...
.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
What's up, God?
(I wrote this down in my notebook between classes today, and thought it may be blogworthy... excuse the Spanish, I'm sure the grammar is terrible. I was actually on my way to Spanish class, haha)
I wish I had my Bible with me... all I want right now is to be with you, Lord. Thank you for being my comfort. Thank you for reaching out for me, even when I feel too far from you to reach for you as well. You even answer the most minuscule of prayers.
Just a few passing words, a silent cry of desperation... and you rescued me once again. You are my strength and you are my light. You get me moving when I can't do it myself... y cantaré de Tu amor por siempre!
Gracias por todas las personas en mi vida. Todos les quiero. Me ayudan cuando no yo puedo ayudarme. Espiritu do Dios, tocáste mi vida, y te quiero por siempre!
I wish I had my Bible with me... all I want right now is to be with you, Lord. Thank you for being my comfort. Thank you for reaching out for me, even when I feel too far from you to reach for you as well. You even answer the most minuscule of prayers.
Just a few passing words, a silent cry of desperation... and you rescued me once again. You are my strength and you are my light. You get me moving when I can't do it myself... y cantaré de Tu amor por siempre!
Gracias por todas las personas en mi vida. Todos les quiero. Me ayudan cuando no yo puedo ayudarme. Espiritu do Dios, tocáste mi vida, y te quiero por siempre!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I suck.
I've come to the realization that generally, I suck.
I truly cannot get anything done. I have this effing lab report due in 32 hours... and yeah, it's started, but I've suddenly lost my motivation. Haven't done much on it today at all. It's just so TEDIOUS... so dull...
Which leaves me to wonder why I'm in my major.
I don't really enjoy working in the lab, either... I mean, it's not terrible, and the grad students are fun to hang out with. BUT can I picture myself doing this... forever?? I get a feeling of dread in my stomach just thinking about doing this for the next 5 years (or whatever) in grad school. Conducting research is just such a time commitment if you want to do it right, you know? And if you don't want to take the time to do it right, then why do it at all?
So, this brings up a question-- is research the right choice for me?
Lately, the things that make me still want to be a professor (what I've been planning on for a few years, now) have changed... and they are all things that don't really have to do with being a professor, but more with the perks of professor life. Such as:
Freedom to travel
-I'd love to be able to visit Mexico and other places for missions, and maybe even bring students
Freedom to take time off
-ok, kind of the same thing (travel), but also so that I'm able to raise a family, something I really want
Extra money
-to fund traveling... and also to maybe start some sort of mentoring program for underprivileged kids. Maybe something to do with science... to sort of give them a fun way to learn about something they may not have been exposed to, and also offering resources and a connection to the University system. I dunno, just an idea I had one day...
Support for Christian campus groups
-every campus group needs a faculty advisor. Having a Jesus-following professor willing to serve that role is just one less thing for campus ministries to worry about, leaving them time to do what they do best-- care for students.
So, all these perks are pretty cool. BUT in the midst of doing all those awesome things that the professor life would allow me to do, I'd have to be teaching (not terrible, though not my #1 passion) and producing significant research for the University (uh.... yikes). Also, with the recent budget cuts in Florida schools, theres a hiring freeze on at any school I'd be interested in... would that still apply in a few years? How easy is it to get a job, anyway? (I sure as heck don't wanna leave FL, you know...)
Blah. So a few other options have popped into my head recently--
Photography (fun, but let's be honest, probably not realistic)
Nursing (...)
...did she say NURSING? The girl whose mother told her since she was a little girl "be anything you want, but don't be a nurse"?? The girl who was so afraid of having to touch patients, she decided against medical school? Yeah. Weird idea. Just came up all of a sudden... still trying to discern whether that was God speaking, or just my wandering mind.
I really should pray about all this a little more. BUT my suckiness doesn't end with academics... I also don't read my Bible much, and I sure don't pray enough. Kind of makes it hard to hear God speaking if I can't even identify his voice, wouldn't ya say?
I don't know what my problem is. The funny thing is, God answers my prayers. Clearly. Over spring break, when I was on my trip with Volunteer USF, I was SO in touch with God. I prayed all the time, and I was super conscious about loving the other people in my group and asking God for opportunities to minister to them... and he provided! He really did! So, why on earth is it such a hassle for me to get myself to pray?? It's like, I get really fired up for God sometimes, like all I want to do is be with him and talk to him. And then sometimes (more often, sadly), I think "you know, I should really spend some time with God..." and I shrug and go back to watching some stupid YouTube videos or something.
I am suffering from a serious case of apathy... and I feel too apathetic to really do anything about it.
I truly cannot get anything done. I have this effing lab report due in 32 hours... and yeah, it's started, but I've suddenly lost my motivation. Haven't done much on it today at all. It's just so TEDIOUS... so dull...
Which leaves me to wonder why I'm in my major.
I don't really enjoy working in the lab, either... I mean, it's not terrible, and the grad students are fun to hang out with. BUT can I picture myself doing this... forever?? I get a feeling of dread in my stomach just thinking about doing this for the next 5 years (or whatever) in grad school. Conducting research is just such a time commitment if you want to do it right, you know? And if you don't want to take the time to do it right, then why do it at all?
So, this brings up a question-- is research the right choice for me?
Lately, the things that make me still want to be a professor (what I've been planning on for a few years, now) have changed... and they are all things that don't really have to do with being a professor, but more with the perks of professor life. Such as:
Freedom to travel
-I'd love to be able to visit Mexico and other places for missions, and maybe even bring students
Freedom to take time off
-ok, kind of the same thing (travel), but also so that I'm able to raise a family, something I really want
Extra money
-to fund traveling... and also to maybe start some sort of mentoring program for underprivileged kids. Maybe something to do with science... to sort of give them a fun way to learn about something they may not have been exposed to, and also offering resources and a connection to the University system. I dunno, just an idea I had one day...
Support for Christian campus groups
-every campus group needs a faculty advisor. Having a Jesus-following professor willing to serve that role is just one less thing for campus ministries to worry about, leaving them time to do what they do best-- care for students.
So, all these perks are pretty cool. BUT in the midst of doing all those awesome things that the professor life would allow me to do, I'd have to be teaching (not terrible, though not my #1 passion) and producing significant research for the University (uh.... yikes). Also, with the recent budget cuts in Florida schools, theres a hiring freeze on at any school I'd be interested in... would that still apply in a few years? How easy is it to get a job, anyway? (I sure as heck don't wanna leave FL, you know...)
Blah. So a few other options have popped into my head recently--
Photography (fun, but let's be honest, probably not realistic)
Nursing (...)
...did she say NURSING? The girl whose mother told her since she was a little girl "be anything you want, but don't be a nurse"?? The girl who was so afraid of having to touch patients, she decided against medical school? Yeah. Weird idea. Just came up all of a sudden... still trying to discern whether that was God speaking, or just my wandering mind.
I really should pray about all this a little more. BUT my suckiness doesn't end with academics... I also don't read my Bible much, and I sure don't pray enough. Kind of makes it hard to hear God speaking if I can't even identify his voice, wouldn't ya say?
I don't know what my problem is. The funny thing is, God answers my prayers. Clearly. Over spring break, when I was on my trip with Volunteer USF, I was SO in touch with God. I prayed all the time, and I was super conscious about loving the other people in my group and asking God for opportunities to minister to them... and he provided! He really did! So, why on earth is it such a hassle for me to get myself to pray?? It's like, I get really fired up for God sometimes, like all I want to do is be with him and talk to him. And then sometimes (more often, sadly), I think "you know, I should really spend some time with God..." and I shrug and go back to watching some stupid YouTube videos or something.
I am suffering from a serious case of apathy... and I feel too apathetic to really do anything about it.
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