Summer...

...is basically over.

I mean really, there's nothing left to it... Jim Gaffagan on Sat (yessss!!), my brother moves on campus Monday, and then... time to focus on NSO! (New Student Outreach)

So yeah. Bye summer. It's been nice.

I kind-of wish the year wasn't starting yet... I really don't want to start my thesis... I just get this feeling of dread whenever I think about it. Or about making any sort of decision about my future, really. What the heck am I gonna do with my life?? Ugh. I know what I don't want to do... which is good... but eventually I'm gonna have to make a decision on the affirmative, too :P

I'm also a little nervous about all the NSO stuff with InterVarsity. Our events are getting a lot more exposure this year, which is awesome, but that gives the potential for LOTS of new students. We've already gotten a bunch of incoming freshmen to sign up for Bible studies, too. In the meantime, we're having some problems getting situated in the new Marshall Center... the room they have us in at the moment has a capacity of about 60, I believe. (60?? we have close to 30 leaders alone!! we need room for at LEAST 100, prolly 150!) I know everything will get straightened out, and God will provide what we need in order to carry out his work here on campus. Because really, our events don't matter in the long run. What matters is the way we USE those events as ways to love and connect with new students. I'm just hoping the leaders don't get burned out (the first few weeks are BUSY!), and I hope every single new person feels welcomed.

It's gonna be a lot of work, and I know that personally, I'm gonna have more responsibility to be a true leader this year. I really need to stay connected to God, so he can help me care for the new students, and help me keep my own selfishness in check. Sometimes when I feel like I'm not being treated perfectly "fairly," my emotions take over, and that's really not appropriate for a leader. I need to step it up, for real. Help me out, God!!

Apart from the nervousness, though, I'm really excited. For one, I have a possible alternative to my current thesis that I'm really pumped about... If I'm gonna change it, though, I need to get it all set up soon. Soon as in NOW, lol. Maybe I'll try to talk to Dr. Yavneh about it tomorrow. I'm a little worried about the possibility of quitting on Dr. S, but I know that in the long run, I need to do what is best for my future. Yet at the same time, I don't want to back out of the commitment I made to her that I would stay until the end of next Spring. I have a lot to sort out... (I'm sorry if I'm not making sense, but it makes sense to me...) I just know that I don't want to do research anymore, and I don't want to go to grad school. So, if that's the case, why am I gonna spend ALLLL this time and effort next year (my senior year!) on something that's not gonna make any difference a year from now? I've got a big decision on my hands.

I'm really looking forward to everything with IV too. I mean, besides all the stress of NSO, starting the new year is also a really great experience. We meet so many new people, which is chaotic, but also really cool, because at this time next year, some of these new kids will have been TRANSFORMED by Jesus. And that is what makes it all worth it. I know what happened to me when I didn't find a solid, welcoming Christian community my freshman year, and that's what keeps me going through all the insanity. I know how bad I was hurt, damaged with scars that will never fully disappear, and though God is using it all for good in my life, I won't lie. It was painful, it made me feel so worthless, and it just makes me so WORRIED for all these girls coming to college, because I just want to protect them. Tell them that they are worth so much more than what some guy thinks of them... tell them that they are beautiful, and perfectly created by God! But the great thing is, I also know EXACTLY how it feels to be saved, to be loved, to be healed and to live for God, and I can't wait to share it. I can't wait to see how this year unfolds.

I know God will provide for me in ways I can't imagine. I just wish I knew what to do with myself in the meantime!!

...it's gonna be a crazy, busy, AMAZING year. I know it.