Tomorrow...

...I meet with my professor to discuss the fact that I do not think I should be working in her lab anymore, even though she expects me to complete two more semesters with her while I begin (and complete) my Honors thesis.

This is really going against my nature... it's much easier for me to just stick it out in a situation, even though I may not enjoy it, in order to keep people happy. But I really feel like this is something I need to do. It's my last year at school (sort-of) and my time is very precious. I want to spend it in ways that are useful, and not on completing a thesis that is altogether irrelevant with the rest of my life.

I feel like my new plan for my thesis (which I'll explain here soon) offers an opportunity for me to make a tangible difference in the lives of others, and to pursue a dream that has been brewing in me since Mexico. I have dreamed of making a difference in the inequalities of our school systems, and of giving kids from families with less money an equal chance to be successful. My thesis is a perfect avenue for this, and at this point I feel that pursuing anything else would be going against the plan for my life.

So, I need to quit on my professor who has been very helpful to me, who has sacrificed her own time in training me, and who expects me to be working on projects for her for the next two semesters. Oh, and I'm enrolled in her class this semester. That makes it even worse... because I am GUARANTEED to still see her after this is all said and done.

And it all happens tomorrow. I am excited, because I know I am doing the right thing for my life and my dreams, but I am SO scared of quitting. Please pray for me. I hate disappointing people, but it is what needs to be done. Pray that I have the strength to be honest with her, and pray that she will have grace and understanding for my situation. Please. I am so terrified and I cannot emphasize enough how much I need the strength of God behind me right now.

Thanks. Love ya.

A picture is worth a thousand words...

...and all 1,000 of these words end in exclamation marks and smiley faces!! :)

Jim put on an AWESOME show, and I seriously laughed my head off for an hour and a half straight. My face hurt. It was glorious. In fact, a lady a row or two back came up to me after the show, and said she enjoyed watching me laugh so hard at everything! Haha, thank you lady, yes I know that I laugh uncontrollably, glad I could entertain you. ;)

So as if sitting front row wasn't good enough... as you see, we even got to meet him after the show! I had absolutely nothing to say to him, he was like "Thanks so much for coming," and I just grinned like an idiot and shook his hand, haha. Then we took the picture and I said "Thanks," or something, grinning like a fool of course. I love the face he's making in the picture, by the way. Very "Jim." :)

A night that will not soon be forgotten!

VERY EXCITE!!

I'm so excited about seeing Jim Gaffagan tonight,

that I ate one of these bad boys to prepare myself...

hahaha ♥

Summer...

...is basically over.

I mean really, there's nothing left to it... Jim Gaffagan on Sat (yessss!!), my brother moves on campus Monday, and then... time to focus on NSO! (New Student Outreach)

So yeah. Bye summer. It's been nice.

I kind-of wish the year wasn't starting yet... I really don't want to start my thesis... I just get this feeling of dread whenever I think about it. Or about making any sort of decision about my future, really. What the heck am I gonna do with my life?? Ugh. I know what I don't want to do... which is good... but eventually I'm gonna have to make a decision on the affirmative, too :P

I'm also a little nervous about all the NSO stuff with InterVarsity. Our events are getting a lot more exposure this year, which is awesome, but that gives the potential for LOTS of new students. We've already gotten a bunch of incoming freshmen to sign up for Bible studies, too. In the meantime, we're having some problems getting situated in the new Marshall Center... the room they have us in at the moment has a capacity of about 60, I believe. (60?? we have close to 30 leaders alone!! we need room for at LEAST 100, prolly 150!) I know everything will get straightened out, and God will provide what we need in order to carry out his work here on campus. Because really, our events don't matter in the long run. What matters is the way we USE those events as ways to love and connect with new students. I'm just hoping the leaders don't get burned out (the first few weeks are BUSY!), and I hope every single new person feels welcomed.

It's gonna be a lot of work, and I know that personally, I'm gonna have more responsibility to be a true leader this year. I really need to stay connected to God, so he can help me care for the new students, and help me keep my own selfishness in check. Sometimes when I feel like I'm not being treated perfectly "fairly," my emotions take over, and that's really not appropriate for a leader. I need to step it up, for real. Help me out, God!!

Apart from the nervousness, though, I'm really excited. For one, I have a possible alternative to my current thesis that I'm really pumped about... If I'm gonna change it, though, I need to get it all set up soon. Soon as in NOW, lol. Maybe I'll try to talk to Dr. Yavneh about it tomorrow. I'm a little worried about the possibility of quitting on Dr. S, but I know that in the long run, I need to do what is best for my future. Yet at the same time, I don't want to back out of the commitment I made to her that I would stay until the end of next Spring. I have a lot to sort out... (I'm sorry if I'm not making sense, but it makes sense to me...) I just know that I don't want to do research anymore, and I don't want to go to grad school. So, if that's the case, why am I gonna spend ALLLL this time and effort next year (my senior year!) on something that's not gonna make any difference a year from now? I've got a big decision on my hands.

I'm really looking forward to everything with IV too. I mean, besides all the stress of NSO, starting the new year is also a really great experience. We meet so many new people, which is chaotic, but also really cool, because at this time next year, some of these new kids will have been TRANSFORMED by Jesus. And that is what makes it all worth it. I know what happened to me when I didn't find a solid, welcoming Christian community my freshman year, and that's what keeps me going through all the insanity. I know how bad I was hurt, damaged with scars that will never fully disappear, and though God is using it all for good in my life, I won't lie. It was painful, it made me feel so worthless, and it just makes me so WORRIED for all these girls coming to college, because I just want to protect them. Tell them that they are worth so much more than what some guy thinks of them... tell them that they are beautiful, and perfectly created by God! But the great thing is, I also know EXACTLY how it feels to be saved, to be loved, to be healed and to live for God, and I can't wait to share it. I can't wait to see how this year unfolds.

I know God will provide for me in ways I can't imagine. I just wish I knew what to do with myself in the meantime!!

...it's gonna be a crazy, busy, AMAZING year. I know it.

Found this today...

The righteous care about justice for the poor,
but the wicked have no such concern.

-Proverbs 29:7

EDIT: found this today too... my friend Jessica's very detailed recount of the Jesus, Justice, and Poverty conference. Awesome!

Stubborn

So, I know there aren't THAT many people who read this...

but I'm not posting again until someone... ANYONE comments on my last blog! There has to be someone with a response!

(P.S. Something along the lines of "look I commented!!" will NOT suffice!)

lol.

Following Jesus means more than just being "nice..."

This is an (abridged) excerpt from an awesome book I'm reading, called Encounter God in the City, by Randy White. He lives in Fresno, California in a community called Lowell. Though the whole book is great, the following part especially moved me because it's SO true...

There is a bumper sticker I see from time to time that says "If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention." Somehow, somewhere, it became acceptable-- regarded as inevitable, really-- that in this city, 4 out of 10 children live under the poverty line, that 38 % of the population runs out of their food budget before the end of the month, that we have the worst school system in the state, and that we have an average of 15% unemployment. Not only are so many of us in the church not outraged at these social realities, we have also individualized and internalized our faith making it disengaged from social systems altogether, becoming "privately engaging but socially irrelevant." We have so wrapped our faith in comfort and equated it with niceness that we can't imagine it compelling us to become disturbed (or disturbing). We can't imagine anything allowing us to disrupt our lives, certainly not involvement in the complexities of community transformation.

Our "faith" doesn't require it, though the apostle James reminded us that the truest expression of faith is "to care for orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." Oxford theologian N.T. Wright laments,

Plenty of people in the church have made up a "Jesus" for themselves, and have found that this invented character makes few real demands on them. He makes them feel happy from time to time but doesn't challenge them, doesn't suggest that they get up and DO something about the plight of the world. Which is, of course, what the real Jesus had an uncomfortable habit of doing.

Fact is, many of us are embarrassed by people who are so passionate about certain issues that they seem to have no other life. And we are rightly horrified by those who let their passions over issues lead to acts of violence. If that is what outrage leads to, we're happy to carry on our quiet, private lives of faith. We may feel a twinge of guilt or anxiety when faced with the massive urban problems of homelessness, illiteracy, hunger, and substandard housing. But it's like we've made a decision that, since we can't go around constantly outraged, we'll enter an "urban trance." We can deal with our anxiety generated by the homeless and the hungry by simply not focusing on them.

The more positive and proactive cousin of that bumper sticker is from the prophet Amos, who cried out "let justice roll down like waters, / and righteousness like an ever flowing stream." Yet, it is one thing to affirm this majestic command, and quite another to DO it. Only recently have Western evangelical leaders begun to recapture the spirit of the early Christians: that we can wholeheartedly commit ourselves to Christ-motivated social action combined with the proclamation of the gospel without feeling that we are somehow abandoning the "real" gospel for a "social" gospel.

However, this does not mean the practice has trickled down to the church pews, where it is still assumed that Christian growth has to do with primarily internal/attitudinal changes. We hear verses like "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds" (Rom 12:2) and assume the goal is merely a change in thinking. "We are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another" (2 Cor 3:18) is assumed to refer merely to character. We hear "aspire to live quietly, to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands (1 Thess 4:11) and take it as permission to live focused solely on our own lives, families, and jobs. Many believers don't like to think of becoming discordant, and can't imagine how to reorganize their lives in order to maximize their efforts toward kingdom transformation.

Transformed people can transform a society. The cycle of experience, reflection, and application can in itself lead to social change. As we engage in the kind of ministry that has the potential to bring transformation to a community, the effect on us is more than a desire for personal growth. In other words, our own transformation makes us avenues for transformation in the city.

After visiting Immokalee yesterday, this passage really seemed very real to me. I am reminded of the churches near Immokalee who donate a Thanksgiving dinner year after year for the farmworkers to eat for free, but yet these church members don't wonder why, though the people of Immokalee work hard labor for 12 hour days, 6-7 days a week, they still can't afford to feed their families. I am reminded of a Christian woman who won't help the homeless in her neighborhood because she sees the same people on her street year after year, but yet though these same homeless people have been around for 6 years, the woman does not know how they became homeless, does not know whether they have families... she doesn't even know their names.

When will Christians in the Western world see that there is more to following Jesus than simply developing character? Yes, character development IS important, but if that's all you get out of a relationship with God, then you are NOT following the Jesus of the Bible! When will the church see that band-aid fixes are not enough?? It is NOT ENOUGH to simply hand out food and clothing! It is our responsibility as people with privilege and an education to use our resources to enact real change! We need to not only feed the hungry, but change the systems that allow hunger to continue year after year. We need to not only hand out charity, but to develop real, loving relationships with those in need!

We need to offer our whole lives to God, and thus offer our whole lives to serving those in need. Yes, saying this scares me. I won't lie. I don't always WANT to give control of my entire life to God. I give this part, and that part, but never all of it. But it really is what is required of us if we want to truly love the poor... and, as Brian Sanders once said, only in loving the poor can we truly love God.

Thanks for reading the whole thing. I know it was long. Comments?