le sigh

Had a long and meaningful conversation... the subject matter was rough at times, but it feels good to connect to someone. Reminds me of one of the few good things about middle school: still having my group of 3 real, true friends.

On an only semi-related note...

Catalyst,
You insist to pull me down
You contradict the fact that you
Still want me around,
And it's all downhill from here...

night...

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OUCH

...the pain in my uterus is radiating out into my stomach and my legs.

In case you wanted to know.

ow ow ow ow ow.....

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frozen.

I just don't understand...


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mmmmm

Robin wants some CANDAYYYYYYYYYY!!

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Futbol!

So, word on the street says I am most likely playing intramural soccer with the Monstars (Rob's team) this season! Woohoo! I'm really excited. IM soccer is something I've wanted to do since freshman year... even though I've never played soccer before. Haha.

Also, found out that WalMart and Target both have cheap cleats (around $12) and shin guards (around $7), so I won't have to slide all over the field and get constantly nailed in the shins! Always a plus! :)

So, guess I need to start training... running will be a good start, I think. lol... this is gonna be an interesting experience... :)


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hooray :)

People are talking to me... and I'm happy. :)

INSANE night at Cracker Barrel, by the way...

• Someone puked on Lacey's car... during the rush, of course. She was going back and forth from the kitchen to the parking lot with pitchers of water to clean it up. Like... seriously. There is a whole entire parking lot around you... and you puke on someone's car?? What the eff??
• 
  
• Dena flipping QUIT over something soooo stupid... lol. She walked out at like, 10 pm, and I had to take over all her tables... including a 7-top that had been sitting there waiting, because she got their drinks and then went off and flipped out and never came back. Luckily they seemed to still be in a decent mood by the time I got to them. But Dena was a closer, too... it really kind of screwed a few of us over, but whatever. I banked tonight, thanks to her. Haha.
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• A homeless man (I'm guessing) said he needed a way to Zephryhills, and asked to use the phone. One of the cashiers gave him the number to the HARTline info center. Did he call that number? No. He called 911, and rode away in an ambulance, flashing lights and everything.

Tonight was the kind of night that would be in a sitcom or something... its like The Office... but in a restaurant. Haha. Whatever, I made good money, and I survived. Now it's off to bed... church in the morning!

Ranting-- be warned.

I am so tired of feeling like an outsider among my own "community." I was talking to Ryan last night about my frustrations with my social life/friendships/personal relationships (the fact that I don't really have any), and I said it bugs me that people seem to get this impression that I'm stand-offish or something. You know, for a while people were even afraid to hug me for some reason. It's a little better now, but for the longest time they would hug people next to me, and then like wave to me or something. It was so weird. Why would people be afraid to hug me?? When have I ever been mean to any of them??

Anyway. He said to me "Well, you ARE stand-offish." That made me really mad. I started yelling at him, arguing, saying no I'm NOT. But he kept repeating, yes, yes you are. Why don't you want to admit it? And then I started crying out of anger and frustration, both at him and at my life. I HATE feeling so cut off from people. Honestly. It's killing me. I want friendship so badly, I feel like I am starving. I feel like I have very very FEW close friends. Basically Ryan and Theresa. There is nobody else I can talk to about my life, nobody I spend time with just hanging out... nobody that calls me, or wants to study with me, or basically wants to do ANYTHING with me, unless there's gonna be a bunch of other people there too. I don't know what I did to give this impression, but contrary to popular belief, I do NOT like this.

A year ago, at spring conference, I felt the same way. God told me that a few specific sins I was allowing into my life were causing me to shut myself off from everyone in order to hide them... so I let them go. Boom. Done. And things got a little better... but really, not much. I'm not hiding my life from people anymore like I was a year ago... and yet I still don't feel like I have true friends. I am surrounded by people all the time, and yet I feel so isolated. I wish I knew how to change this. There is this wall around me, but I don't want it there!! What can I do to make it go away? What can I do to make people stop rejecting me?? Why is everyone so against getting close to me?

As a whole, we are a very inclusive community, it's true. That fact makes me happy for the new people who find love and acceptance with us. Really, it does. And yet... that very fact eats me alive sometimes. The most inclusive group of people I have ever met does not find it worthwhile to get close to me. It makes me jealous, and angry, and I know these feelings are destructive, and I try to let them go... but it's very hard to do. I try to push it all away so my issues won't have a negative impact on our ministry, but inside it just keeps building and growing.

I am constantly surrounded by super inclusive people, and yet I am ALONE... and I feel like the very fact that this bothers me at all makes me selfish. Like I have no right to feel this way... and you know, maybe I don't. But whether I am justified or not, the feelings are there, and I don't know how to deal with them. I feel like a loser. I am supposed to be a leader, and here I am whining about my life. "Poor me, nobody likes me, blah blah blah," I just make myself SICK. I disgust myself.

It makes me miss my freshman year. It was one of the most painful and destructive years of my life... but shoot. It wasn't ALL bad. At least I had friends.

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